Reese had his first basketball game of the season last night. It came with massive mixed feelings. I love watching him play, but the last time I saw my mom was at one of his games. It was about two weeks before she died. It wasn't at the same place, but it still brought up feelings of trauma and guilt. I had been home for almost a week from Georgia and hadn't seen her yet, and then she was gone. So I had gone almost two weeks without seeing her. I know that I can't change that, and that I was doing what I thought was best for me and my family at the time, but I wish so bad I could go back and scoop her up and be there for her more. Maybe things would have turned out different. Maybe not. It doesn't really help to play that mental game, but it is so hard not to. The start of basketball means it has almost been a year since I heard her voice, saw her smile, listened to her silly jokes, asked her about her life. It fucking sucks. It's like I had a whole different life before and it is almost dream-like. Not in a rose colored glasses kind of way, because there was still so much shit happening. But in a way like, did that really happen? Was that really even real? And then if I think back to before my dad died... Like before he started to lose his memory... Then it seems almost like a book I read a long time ago. A book I loved, and I remember the story, but it has been so long that I have forgotten some of the details, and I really only remember the major plot points, good and bad.... A few details come back here and there, but for the most part, it just seems like fiction. 

I always knew I would lose my parents. I knew I wouldn't be old, I worried about it when I was a teenager, but I always thought it would be peaceful. And it was so fucking traumatic. And then Kade... Oh, God... I just almost can't let myself think about him. I really don't because I can't. It hurts too much. How could my my most beautiful brother, the most authentic soul be gone? 

I feel like a broken record. Having these feelings. Going to therapy. Saying the same things over and over, and having her say back, "It's hard".... but it's true. It feels so weird that only some people know that mom killed herself. It wasn't obvious like Kade. And we weren't sure at first. And we didn't want everyone to feel the hurt that they felt over Kade all over again. So just our immediate family knows... We didn't tell the aunts and uncles an cousins. They might have inclinations, but in the end, nothing changes. It doesn't bring her back. We wanted to protect her from judgements. I wanted to protect them from pain. No matter what, it still hurts. 

 It's getting to be Christmas time. I just don't know. It feels so empty this year. My view on gifts has shifted. I have always been a little selfish, like I would see something that I would like, would want to get it for someone, but maybe change my mind and just get it for myself. Or talk myself out of getting it for the cost. This year, I want to get everyone I love a gift. A real gift, not just a "I'm obligated" gift. I bought Shanea and Debbie cute Lori Mitchell angel figurines. My mom loved angels and always had them on her Christmas tree. So I bought an angel ornament for myself, and I found another one while we were in Italy and bought it. Maybe it's my new Christmas thing. 

I hate that my mom isn't here. I want to buy her a great Christmas gift. I want to go out of my way and take her out to dinner and repay her for all of the generous things she did for me. I feel like I never got the chance to do that. Or I never took the initiative to do it. I was too cheap or too stressed or too selfish. 

I wish I could take it all back. Tell her how sorry I am. I'm so sorry I let her down. That I wasn't there for her better. That I didn't take every chance to go visit or take care of her. But I was so tired, and so sad, and I thought she was okay. I had no idea she was so bad. 

I should have been with her more. A year ago she was sick. So sick she ended up in the hospital with a terrible UTI. It made her very confused and she thought Kade was alive. She thought Dad was alive. She didn't have her Ipad so she spent all of this time telling us stories and talking and telling my kids funny things. I remember thinking, I should get out my phone and record this... But I didn't and I regret it so, so much. I spent time at the hospital. I was there... Her mind was so wonky, that she heard Brad say that he had given Taffy a haircut and she had an afro. She leaned over to Debbie and asked if Brad was turning into a negro. We were all shocked and horrified and couldn't help but laugh... 

She ended up needing to go to short term rehab, she didn't want to. And the night that she was released from the hospital and taken to the rehab, I was going to a party that had been planned for months. So I asked Brad if he and the kids could go get her settled in. She ended up testing positive for COVID, so they wouldn't let them in to see her. That night she froze, her room was cold, she didn't have any pajamas and she only had a terrible blanket. She was so upset. The next day I ran her jammies, underwear, a heater, a cozy pillow and blanket. Shanea brought over a little Christmas tree and decorations. I was in a hurry because of my job. I felt like I was letting everyone down. My Mom, my job, all my kids were in sports and I was utterly overwhelmed with grief for Kade. I went and saw her a couple of times, but not as much as I should have. The pajamas I brought her just hung huge on her. She was released the day before Christmas Eve and we were all so glad. She was planning on sleeping over at my house and being there for Christmas morning. She changed her mind on Christmas Eve. I wished she would have come. I still wish she would have. She did come over on Christmas Day, thank goodness. I can't even remember if we had dinner or breakfast here. I think maybe we did both.... 

Anyway, it's hard to live without regrets. I just feel so sorry all the time. I wish I could turn back time and change things. My mom should be here. She should be watching my kids grow up. I should be able to call her and chat and tell her all of the things that are going on. We should be going to lunch, and picking up the pieces. She should be moving into a cute little senior community and making new friends. She should be here. 

 I'm fucking stressed. It's 4:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. My sleep schedule is all messed up and has been for a couple of weeks now. 

Debbie is so hard. She makes life so freaking hard. I don't even know what to do anymore. I worry deeply for her safety, but I don't even know what to do. I have tried to put up boundaries because she sends drunk and high texts all the time that are super passive aggressive. So I decided I wasn't going to respond to them anymore. And Shanea and Kelly don't respond either. She thinks we have all gotten together and decided to shun her. And like, kick her out of our lives. Which is not true at all. But I just don't want the drama any more. 

The whole reason I am awake right now is because I woke up to Brad snoring, and went to turn on my noise on my phone and saw that she had texted. She said that she had sent Jill some songs that are pretty much blaming her for Kade's suicide and that she is not okay, but Jill needs to know. Jill doesn't need to know, and it isn't Jill's fault. Yeah, Jill was a shitty wife. She didn't treat Kade right, and she made major mistakes that impacted Kade greatly. But so did other people, and Kade had major mental health issues. He was so depressed and had bi-polar and there was so much more to it than just Jill. It just drives me crazy that she can blame just Jill. Especially when she can't even see her part in mom being dead now too. I'm not blaming Debbie, but she was treating mom very badly the week that mom died, and I am sure that it affected my mom's decision to end her life. Ugh. It is so much to unpack. I feel like Shanea  and I talk about it endlessly, but it all just goes in circles. Kevin's behavior directly impacted Mom and Kade so much too. 

Anyway, it's like... Debbie has so much rage and anger, she just explodes on us. And it is often over text message, and it is hard to interpret. So now if we don't engage, she feels ignored, which she hates even more. But she literally doesn't know what she wants. It's like, you give her an inch and she will take a mile. And now she has talked about suicide for the 3rd time and told Shanea that she went and fucking bought anti-freeze. What in the actual hell???? She needs professional help. She told Shanea she was going to therapy, but we called Brooke to check up on her and Brooke said she definitely was not in therapy. I never know if she is lying. I want to have a normal relationship with her, but I can't. And she can't see it. She cannot take ownership of any of the wrong doing. Or take any acknowledgement of her mistakes. She just gets angry and sends these unwarranted texts.... It's over the top. 

I just feel like she is so toxic, to me and our family, and to herself. And I don't want it to be my problem anymore. I sometimes just wish she would move to California to be near her boys and they could be her support system that is nearby. 

Whenever she talks about Mom being gone. She only talks about what Mom did for her. Like, how Mom would stop by her house, or visit her, or give her things. Never about what she could do for mom. It just all comes across as so selfish. So narcissistic. And it makes me angry, it makes me feel like she is just so pathetic. She cannot see beyond herself. I'm just over it. 

The rest of the family, we are all trying to band together. We are trying to make a new normal. Plan new things. Have dinners together. Plan new trips. The grandkids are even planning one last sleepover in Mom's house before it is closed on at the end of the month. (Which just breaks my heart). They are all going to go over and sleep in the empty house and eat Little Caesars and popsicles and watch movies in an empty basement. The house is going to be gone. And I am going to miss it. 

Never seeing the places Kade and my Mom and Dad lived is going to hurt. Kade laying on the loveseat, "Hey, What's Up? What's New?" 

Walking in as I'm yelling, "Knock, Knock", Mom: "Hey! What are you doing here?" 

Hurts my heart. God, it hurts. 

And as I write this, I realize maybe I abandoned my mom to Debbie. Maybe, she didn't feel like she could come to me. Or felt like I was too busy, because I was. I was so fucking busy. And I was so fucking sad about Kade... I was just trying to survive, and so was she. And she couldn't. She couldn't do it. I hate that. I hate it so so much. I hate feeling like I failed her, like I failed Kade, and yet, it's like I don't have the energy to do Debbie. It's the same. It's like no matter what we will fail her too. Because it seems like the individual is the only one that can really help themself. I know that we can help them situationally, but in the grand scheme, they have to take long hard looks at themselves and take steps to change. And I feel like my mom and Kade both did that to a degree. But I don't feel like Debbie every will. She doesn't take action like that. It's all denial denial denial. So at what point do you stop feeling guilty and just throw in the towel? I don't know. I just don't.