Wednesday, December 31, 2014

It is the last day of 2014. Today started out normal. I woke up ornery and grumpy and yelled at the kids when they weren't really doing anything wrong. I got over my mood and let them play with friends and called my dad. My mom has been sick since christmas, but we have been so busy that i hadn't really paid much attention. We also had a really big storm and everyone had phones down so i hadn't talked to my mom and dad for a couple of days. I had tried but they didn't answer. i finally got a hold of my dad. he said my mom was still sick and i told him that i though he should take her to the hospital. if she wasn't feeling better by now then something must be wrong. So he took her after shanea also insisted. i went to the hospital and met them in the ER. shortly thereafter my mom was admitted to the ICU. She is really really sick. her blood was septic from infection. blood pressure so low that the nurse took it several times. and dangerously low blood sugar. but on top of all that she is having some liver failure. they aren't sure if it is temporary or permanent. if it is permanent then my mom will die. i am terrified of that. i am not ready for it. i stayed for about six hours and then i got in my car and cried the entire drive home and prayed to the lord that he wouldn't take her from me. not yet. i need my mom. i want my kids to have their awesome grandmother. my dad is staying the night. shanea had come back by the time i left. but my mom was worse. she knew her name, she knew where she lived. she knew she wanted pills. but she didn't know that it was winter. or that we had just had christmas. she kept trying to get out of bed and leave, and then she gave into sleep just as a blessing was said over her. i know that we will all lose our parents at some point. i accept that, but i just can't bear the though of losing my mom at this point in my life. she is my best friend. she helps me in ways that no one else can. i can completely be my true self around her. i call her everyday and i depend on her in so many ways. please God, please don't let her die.

Monday, October 13, 2014


I just have to express my gratitude somewhere. Brad got a new job! It isn't anything fancy, it's at Costo. But really I think it is going to work out great for our family. He will be part time for a little bit, but so far he has been able to get more hours everyday than he was scheduled. He goes in really early, 5 am, but that means he is off by 1:30  and we actually get to see him and spend time with him! I am really happy about it. The pay is also more steady than car sales. I am just so glad. I have been praying for something like this for what feels like years. I feel like he will be able to work and go to school and see us. It's a win, win, win! I am off to yoga! YOGA! It has been months! I am so grateful for my blessings. I am. I am.

Friday, August 15, 2014

summer summer summer time!!!!!

this summer has been a little different than summers in the past. brad works nights and weekends so it seems like we haven't got to do as many activities and having a tiny baby hasn't made it easy to do the things we normally like to do. our days have been mostly filled with swimming in the backyard and playing with the neighborhood kids. and it has been a good summer. we blessed ace, kade got baptized, we went to kanarra with bryce and sal and then i went again with the kids and my family, we had a fun 4th of july, there have been tons of firsts with ace and life has been full. jovi loves to pretend to be a kitty. she calls herself pinky lee. she like to wear my moms glasses and call herself mrs. lady, and plays doctor a lot. giving check ups is her specialty. she will tell you if you have any owies and bandage them right up. reese loves swimming and playing with his friends. he was really enjoying playing baseball in the front yard for a while too, until i taught him how to ride his bike without training wheels. he asks every night for me to watch him go up and down the street and most nights i make it happen. ace is a snuggly baby. he loves to be held and falls asleep in his swing. he is sleeping in his crib, but far from sleeping through the night. i still get up with him a about 3, sometimes 4 times a night. i fall asleep in the chair in his room and it seems like i never get enough sleep. but i am grateful, so grateful to hold him in my arms at night and smell his skin. right now in iraq and syria there is a christain genocide taking place. the ISIS are taking christian men and killing them, raping the women and beheading the children. it is an awful world and it terrifies me that my children will ever witness these things. i pray that they don't know about it for a long time and i pray for those it is effecting. lately i have been reflecting. it has been a hard time for brad lately. his job hasn't been going well, and it is hard for him to have gratitude when he feels like he can't provide for our family. i just tell him that if money is our worst problem then we have it pretty good. it has been a year since we asked his mom for help and i still have a lot of resentment. i have tried to let it go and have mostly, but i still have weak moments where twinges of jealousy and resentment pop up. i know my life is full and if we keep working together and  trying that we will make it. and we will... my little family is my life. reese is preparing to start kindergarten next week! where has the time gone and how has my first born little man grown up into such an amazing boy? he is thoughtful and sweet and loves baby ace to the moon. jovi drives him crazy like a sister/2 year old should. writing just makes me think of more and more to be happy about. i love my family. i love that they love us and are supportive of us and i am just grateful... so grateful.
ace's blessing day
happy 4th! reese always makes these crazy faces lately... oh to be five years old!
ace's first swimming experience. it lasted all of five minutes. but he liked it.
jane, katalina and jovi. lauren and miguel came to visit. this was at the bird show at the zoo.
ace's first hike. dried up red cliffs.... kind of a bummer for all us hot people!
at the beginning of summer i took these guys on a 1k run.. reese rocked it..
sometimes i want to just call him smiley!
kade's baptism. so happy for him.