It's getting to be Christmas time. I just don't know. It feels so empty this year. My view on gifts has shifted. I have always been a little selfish, like I would see something that I would like, would want to get it for someone, but maybe change my mind and just get it for myself. Or talk myself out of getting it for the cost. This year, I want to get everyone I love a gift. A real gift, not just a "I'm obligated" gift. I bought Shanea and Debbie cute Lori Mitchell angel figurines. My mom loved angels and always had them on her Christmas tree. So I bought an angel ornament for myself, and I found another one while we were in Italy and bought it. Maybe it's my new Christmas thing. 

I hate that my mom isn't here. I want to buy her a great Christmas gift. I want to go out of my way and take her out to dinner and repay her for all of the generous things she did for me. I feel like I never got the chance to do that. Or I never took the initiative to do it. I was too cheap or too stressed or too selfish. 

I wish I could take it all back. Tell her how sorry I am. I'm so sorry I let her down. That I wasn't there for her better. That I didn't take every chance to go visit or take care of her. But I was so tired, and so sad, and I thought she was okay. I had no idea she was so bad. 

I should have been with her more. A year ago she was sick. So sick she ended up in the hospital with a terrible UTI. It made her very confused and she thought Kade was alive. She thought Dad was alive. She didn't have her Ipad so she spent all of this time telling us stories and talking and telling my kids funny things. I remember thinking, I should get out my phone and record this... But I didn't and I regret it so, so much. I spent time at the hospital. I was there... Her mind was so wonky, that she heard Brad say that he had given Taffy a haircut and she had an afro. She leaned over to Debbie and asked if Brad was turning into a negro. We were all shocked and horrified and couldn't help but laugh... 

She ended up needing to go to short term rehab, she didn't want to. And the night that she was released from the hospital and taken to the rehab, I was going to a party that had been planned for months. So I asked Brad if he and the kids could go get her settled in. She ended up testing positive for COVID, so they wouldn't let them in to see her. That night she froze, her room was cold, she didn't have any pajamas and she only had a terrible blanket. She was so upset. The next day I ran her jammies, underwear, a heater, a cozy pillow and blanket. Shanea brought over a little Christmas tree and decorations. I was in a hurry because of my job. I felt like I was letting everyone down. My Mom, my job, all my kids were in sports and I was utterly overwhelmed with grief for Kade. I went and saw her a couple of times, but not as much as I should have. The pajamas I brought her just hung huge on her. She was released the day before Christmas Eve and we were all so glad. She was planning on sleeping over at my house and being there for Christmas morning. She changed her mind on Christmas Eve. I wished she would have come. I still wish she would have. She did come over on Christmas Day, thank goodness. I can't even remember if we had dinner or breakfast here. I think maybe we did both.... 

Anyway, it's hard to live without regrets. I just feel so sorry all the time. I wish I could turn back time and change things. My mom should be here. She should be watching my kids grow up. I should be able to call her and chat and tell her all of the things that are going on. We should be going to lunch, and picking up the pieces. She should be moving into a cute little senior community and making new friends. She should be here.