My dad died. I swear I never thought the day would come, and I feared it would come every day all at once. And now it has happened. It is terrible to have your dad die. Especially when your dad was as special and good as mine. He always loved me so much and I loved him so much. I never had any doubt that he would do anything and everything for me. The last couple of years have been heartbreaking. My dad started to lose his memory. Some days he would remember everyone and everything, other days he would say things and not remember two minutes later. He repeated himself a lot. There was a lot of tension between my mom and him in the early days of him getting dementia. He would say things about the past that I truly hope were not true, and my mom would believe him, not realizing that his mind had deteriorated. Things got worse and worse. Then he fell and broke his hip. I did not realize that he would never walk again. I thought he would be able to recover. He never did. Then he went into a nursing home. The one I remembered going to as a little girl and being horrified. It had improved, but I didn't want my dad there, so when my mom thought it was a good idea to bring him home, I agreed. That was a mistake. He atrophied. His muscles got weaker and weaker. He got a catheter. My mom spun out of control. Both of them were broken, him physically, she mentally. My mom tried to commit suicide. Several times. We got my dad into the hospital and back into a nursing facility. This time it felt like a dream come true, because I knew he was being taken care of. He got better. His mind was a little better, his body was improving, he was joking and smiling and teasing the CNAs. He didn't always know who I was. He knew he loved me, but didn't always know my name. My mom continued to spiral even more out of control. She was drinking, abusing pills, lying, depressed, overwhelmed. It was like living in a nightmare that wouldn't end. My entire life was being stretched thin. Besides the bulk of the issues with my parents I was struggling in school, in my faith, in my marriage.... I had never felt more alone. Many things have recovered. But my parents continued to decline. My dad was a sweet spot in my heart. Because he didn't remember anything short term, he didn't remember all the trouble that had been going on for the last year. I could go visit him often and his face would light up to see me. He still made me feel special. He kissed me on the lips and told me he loved me. He forgot our inside jokes. He no longer remembered my childhood nickname or that when I said I loved him the most, he was supposed to say that he loved me the mostest, and then I would say back, no I love you the mostest, mostest, mostest. He loved my kids, although sometimes he thought Jovi was me as a little girl, and in the same breath he knew me. He never really forgot reese. I think sometimes he forgot his name, but that bond that they developed as my dad babysat him did not fail him. Little Ace tolerated our visits, and my dad would ask where the baby was, only remembering him as an infant. I went shopping the day my dad died. I bought him a shirt that morning. I did not have any inkling that he was going to pass away. There had been so many close calls, that when I heard he was sick, I just assumed he would get better like he always had. I didn't rush to get to his bedside. When I got there, his lips were blue and he was shaking in pain. I still assumed the best. We called in hospice for morphine, and after that he was able to sleep. He died a few hours later. I wish I would have realized that it was really the end. I know that I told him all the things I needed to, but I wish I would have been there sooner. He passed away soon after my kids has given him kisses and said goodbye. There were lots of tears. I hope he is with his family. I hope he knows how much I love and adore him. I hope he visits me in my dreams. I hope he remembers me like he used to. Because I will never, ever forget him.

miracle

Often I discount things that happen that seem miraculous. On Monday night we paid our tithing for the first time since last May. It wasn't that we had decided to stop paying, it just sort of happened. So we paid it. We have been really struggling with the thought of money and how we are going to pay our bills. January is the month that I have a review for food stamps and it seems like the last two or three times they keep taking money away. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond grateful for every cent we get to feed our family, but it was getting a little discouraging. So after I completed our review, once again our amount went down by $100. I was accepting but also like, oh my gosh. What am I going to do? How can we survive on this? On Tuesday afternoon I went and applied for a new job. When I got home I got a phone call. I recognized the number a little so I answered. It was my case worker Irene. She told me that she wanted to go shopping with me. I was a little confused, because if she had any idea what my account looked like she was talking to the wrong person. She went on to tell me that last January I got marked as a single student, instead of a student with a family. So they hadn't paid us the right amount of food stamps for the last year and that they were going to credit our account three thousand dollars. I immediately started to cry in gratitude. I couldn't believe it. Our case had by random chance popped up in their audit system. And Irene found the mistake. I have talked to several people over the last year and no one had caught their tiny mistake. Slowly our food storage had begun to dwindle and I was truly scared for how we were going to make it. I know that the random review that popped up was not random. I know it was a blessing from my heavenly father. I know that he hears my prayers and will take care of me. I am so grateful for him and for all he has given to me. I know that people think that everyone that is on food stamps is a ghetto trash person who doesn't work or have any ethics. I am here to tell you that it is not true. Hard working families need help. I want to stigma to stop. Having a country that takes care of it's poor is not a negative thing. It is a Christlike thing. I will be happy to pay taxes the rest of my life to pay back for what has been given to me and I know that my money will be going to others who truly need it.

Sometimes life is hard. It's January. I used to love January because of my birthday, but now, it just feels like another day. The older I get the less I like my birthday. It just doesn't feel special like it did when I was young. Anyway, I don't need to complain about that. My kids asked me yesterday if it would be summer soon, and NOOO, it isn't forever. Luckily it is getting out of the teens and into the 30's so going outside is slightly more bearable. Why does money have to be such a major factor in life. I seriously hate it. It seems like there is never enough and I feel like we are going to be in debt forever. I know that isn't totally true, but man. It sure feels like it sometimes. I went and saw a movie on Saturday with some of my girlfriends. It was called Brooklyn, and I loved it. We read the book in book club, but for once in my life I like the movie better. It felt good to get out. I want to do some fun and cheap things in the winter. I think we will go sledding, but even going on walks sounds nice. I am tired of being cooped up. It seems like the older I get the more grey the world gets. Life is so mutlifaceted that sometimes I don't know what is right or wrong anymore. There are so many controversies bumping around on the internet and it is hard for me to decide what to care about, what to ignore and if any of it is even worth it. blah. sorry. this is just a little vent i guess, with no real purpose. I want the sun. Maybe I can talk brad into moving to california or texas for a few months... and then come right back!
My kids are so precious to me. Reese is at a great age. He is 7 and totally obsessed with all things video games. Shooters, minecraft, tablets. Anyway, for Christmas he begged for a kindle fire and I kept telling him that santa doesn't bring video games or electronics. So he wasn't planning on getting one at all. Well, we found a great deal and got one for him. When we were finished opening up all of the presents on Christmas morning, he ran to his room and came back with all of his one dollar bills in his hands. He handed half of them to brad and half to me and told us so preciously that he wanted to give us his money because we spent so much on him. It made my heart leap, I even said to brad, "It's happening!" (he is appreciating our efforts. We of course refused his gift that he had been saving for months. We told him to save it for something else besides a kindle. It was such a savory moment. Last year was a complete 180, he was overwhelmed and ungrateful. It filled me with joy.
Jovi is obsessed with singing. She sings all day about everything. She makes up songs for me and everyone around her, but if i try to record it, her bashful side perks up and she stops. She loves everyone and loves to imagine that she is a teenager. It is hilarious. She walks around with an old cell phone and her pretend conversations are unbeatable.
Ace is a crazy monster! He loves jumping off of the couch, the stool or anything to get a rush. He pushes the furniture around to try and get candy off of the counter so we had to move it to the towel closet! He has been having a hard time sleeping and gets so sad when we leave him in his room his heart breaks. I sit in there most nights until he falls asleep. I love that I tell him things and he replies "k" to everything. He says "Please" and "thank you" and if we ask him, he will say " love you!".
Those three stinkers make my world go round and I am so glad that they are mine.