With so much time to spare the last week or so (quarantine still going on), I have had some time to do some things that I have put off for a number of years. I bought some photo albums a few months ago, and instead of using one for each of my kids, I decided to go through all of my old pictures and put them in. They aren't chronological. I don't have the patience or time to do that, but they are childhood, youth/teen years, and early marriage. Going through all of these photos made me really reflect on some of the people from my past and the way I handled them. I have about 100 pictures of me and Tami Greaves throughout all of junior high, and then she just drops off. We had a strong love/hate relationship and I really didn't forgive her til I was well into my late 20's. Kind of sad that I spent so much time and energy on disliking a person. If I saw her now, I would feel so differently. I wouldn't even care about the stupid ways we treated each other because we were kids. We were stupid.

Even more stupid is the way I completely disregarded Caleb's feelings after I got married. I was on such a high, and still so green to married life, that I felt like I was still single. I still loved him when I married Brad. Don't get me wrong, I KNEW that Brad was the man for me.

But I have harbored so much guilt and anxiety about him. Going through those old pictures, I found some of the notes he had written me, and I know that we truly had a strong love for each other. I really thought I was going to marry him until I met Brad. But my love for Brad swept me up so strongly and quickly, that I was completely soaked in it. I didn't even comprehend that I would hurt Caleb. I just assumed he would be over me. And I wasn't even over him.

I got married to Brad 3 weeks before he came home, and I had the audacity to show up to his homecoming with my new husband. Brad hung back. He met him, and I pulled Caleb aside and cried and told him I was sorry. He told me that I did what I had to do, and I agreed. I can still hear the bitterness in is words, but I didn't hear it in his voice. I was too self involved.

I tried to be his friend after that. ( I am shaking my head at my own stupidity as I write this). I still cared for him so much that I thought we could be just friends. I stopped by his house once, when Brad was working late. I told him I didn't want to go home. I am sure this led him on. And I stupidly though I was being innocent. I am sure it made him so angry and uncomfortable. Foolish.

Why am I writing about this now? Almost 20 years later? Because it haunts me. I still dream about him. I dream about his wife. I dream about how they hate and despise me.

I truly thought I was being a nice person. As a now grown woman, I can see what a fool I was. How I came across as cruel and hurtful. I really didn't mean it. And now it is much too late to apologize or make things right.

When we were still young, we went to a young married ward for our church. It was for Weber State students. Caleb and his new wife Becky started coming to the ward. It was awkward, but most of the time we didn't see them. We said hi in the halls and awkwardly moved on. As time went on Becky started talking to me on myspace. I thought she wanted to be my friend. She asked me personal questions and I answered them, and I asked them back. I wanted to know what they were like and she wanted to know what I was like. I thought we were on our way to becoming couple friends. I was so wrong. It went down badly. There were hurt feelings. I told her I didn't want to be friends anymore. We left the ward. I was so embarrassed for assuming that everything was okay between all of us. Caleb didn't want us to be friends. Becky was chatting with me behind his back. I found out that Becky had talked to our bishop about the whole situation. We moved out and that was the end of it.

When we bought our first house, Caleb's little brother lived up the street. We became friends because we had babies at the same time. This hurt Caleb and Becky. She said something on social media and my friend told me about it and I called her out. It was a bad situation. And so stupid, and I was angry. What was I doing to them? But now, now I can see. I can see that I should have left well enough alone. I should have not tried to stay friends with his brother. I just grew to love his family so much while he was on his mission. I developed such strong relationships with his brothers, and his mom and dad. I really thought at the time that they were going to be my in-laws and I wanted them to like me. I had a hard time letting that go. Especially after coming in to Brad's family. His mom didn't like me, didn't approve of our marriage. It wasn't the same. I was almost as heartbroken about losing his family as I was about losing him. Probably more so. So I tried to hold on.

Time went on and I would run into Caleb and Becky occasionally. I knew through the grapevine that they were having trouble getting pregnant, my heart hurt for them. I had my baby and loved him so much. When Derrick's wife told me she was pregnant, I did what I thought would make peace. I bought a gift and left it at Caleb's parents house. (OMH..... Why couldn't I just leave it alone???) Why did I feel this need to make things right between us? They hated me.... And I couldn't stop. I don't know why.

Back when all of the myspace garbage was going on, and before we left the ward, I called Becky. Why I had her number, I don't know. I wondered why Caleb looked like I had slapped him when I mentioned our chats to her in passing at church. Turned out she had been dishonest with him and he didn't know we were talking. I was mortified. I felt like the other woman in their relationship. She proceeded to tell me that we came to their wedding, uninvited, and nearly ruined their wedding day...

How this catastrophe happened, that I didn't even know was a big deal in my naivete, was this:
We did not get a paper invitation. But Brad ran into Kathy (Caleb's mom) at the doctors office. She asked if we were coming to the wedding and he asked when and where? She invited my husband. I remember asking Amber if we should go and she was hesitant to say yes. I on the other hand, felt at my wedding the more the merrier and again stupidly assumed that everyone felt that way. So we went. Gift in hand. Walked right up to the happy couple and ruined their night by asking about our invitation getting lost in the mail. We hugged them, told them congrats and left. But it left a major impact. What to us was an innocent moment of celebration was a slap in the face to them. I can see it so clearly now. But back then, I didn't. I didn't see it at all.

We ran into them a few times over the years, and this once upon a time love of my life wouldn't even look me in the face. I can't blame him. And at the time I couldn't understand. But I see it now. I was so carefree, so careless. I played with emotions unknowingly that I never should have even been a part of. I have truly lived with regret for years, even when I couldn't see what I had done wrong. Time has given me insight to things I could not understand before.

The last time I ran into them, was on a Fourth of July at the park. They both could bear to look at me. For that I am grateful. I am truly sorry for the hurt and the pain that I caused them.

For a long time I have wondered if the love that Caleb and I shared was all in my head. Because I knew he hated me so vehemently. How could someone I loved so much hate me so badly? I am glad I happened upon a few of those old notes and letters. I don't have most of them, but I have a few, and they reminded me that I wasn't crazy, that we really did care deeply for each other. I just didn't see for a very long time how much hurt I had caused. I am hoping to let these things finally go.

I think in another life I could have married Caleb and I could have been happy. If I wouldn't have gone on this one last blind date that I was set up on, it probably would have worked out. But I have changed so much. Learned so much. I just don't know.

Just a Wednesday

Except it wasn't. Life has been a little unpredictable lately. The COVID-19 virus has interrupted our lives. The schools have closed down, work has closed down, we are working from home. It is very weird to be doing everything from home and having everyone home. And it isn't like we can go out and do fun things and play with friends. We have to be distant from people so that this virus doesn't spread because the mortality rate is fairly high and we don't want anyone who has health conditions to get it. Anyway, it is all consuming. It started last week and since then things have spiraled. Only drive through windows are open, there is no toilet paper, people (including me and my friend Valerie) wait in line for an hour to get into Costco. Shelves are empty. There is a feeling of unease and anxiety and possibly fear in the air. And yet, our lives are still going on. In order to combat the cabin fever, me and my friend Valerie have been hanging out and letting our kids get together. It is just too hard to stay away from everyone. We went to the park yesterday and the kids had a blast climbing through the dirt and looking for the Leprechaun (yesterday was St. Patricks Day). It was a nice break from the uncertainty that has been plaguing all of us. A couple of weeks ago, we thought nothing of this virus and bought tickets to go to Maui to see Kevin at the end of April. I hope that can happen still, because rumor has it that school will be closed until at least April 20th. I am trying to get the kids all set up to do some home schooling stuff, but it is tough.
This morning, I was asleep in my bed and I felt thunder radiating through our house, it was shaking and it wasn't stopping. In my stupor I woke and realized we were experiencing an earthquake. I shook Brad awake and we ran to the kitchen, as I was about to run down the stairs to get Reese and Jovi, they ran up and by the time they got here it was over. Ace slept through it. It was a 5.9 earthquake and the strangest sensation. I have known living in Utah my whole life that it was a possibility, but I had never experienced it. There wasn't any damage to us or anyone we know. Thank heavens. But the whole week has just felt surreal. I hope it is all just incidental and nothing more comes of all of this. I just wanted to put down my thoughts as they happened. It is so odd that while we are in the midst of these crises, our daily rituals carry on. We do the dishes, eat food, watch TV. We have our creature comforts amid all of the chaos that is creeping in. There were a few aftershocks that were a little nerve-wracking, through all of it, we are fine.
I also have this weird lump on my foot. It came out of nowhere and tomorrow I have to go and get an MRI on it. I am sure it is nothing, but it is just one more thing that is causing a little bit of anxiety.