addiction

Addiction holds a tender place in my heart. I am surrounded by so many in my life that struggle with different types of addiction. It hurts my heart to see them go through so much. Some of them relapse. Some of them don't. I just spent the last couple of days watching these videos and i just wanted to share.

gotta make this quick cause the computer is about to die. shanea is marrying tim. she has no time... they are planning a wedding so fast you would think it was a shot gun. anyway, small bachelorette/shower for her last night at twigs. i was all alone afterwards! like, no kids.... so i went to her house, even though she wasn't going there and was sorely disappointed that not a soul was home. pulling out of the street and logan and marissa pull up! i literally shrieked in my car with joy. jumped out and went in. chatted for a long time and hal pal came in too! yay!!! time and shanea came home and we talked wedding nights and i confessed about how disappointing and tragic mine was.... anyway. i love logan and marissa so much. they bring sunshine to my soul. i am so glad that i have such an awesome family and that they like spending time with me too. came home with a mosquito bite on my face... only not awesome part.

ace

my darling baby is 16 months old. he is a joy to be around. as a newborn he slept in my bed all the time, but he wasn't a cuddly baby. he was stiff. in the last few months he has turned into the biggest cuddle bug of all my kids. he loves to snuggle. he also has a favorite blankie. it has wooly fur on one side and a grey and white geometric pattern on the other. i think it was really the only gift i picked out special for him for christmas. he loves this blanket. he prefers it above all the others. if it is out of sight he will tolerate another. anyway, tonight we were out past his bedtime. the blanket has been dragged everywhere and it has been a busy couple of days. within the first few minutes of it being out of the dryer there was a huge smear of chocolate on it. it has been dragged all over the dirty floor of the community center, the mall, parking lots, stroller wheels, peoples houses that have animals. i mean everywhere. so tonight as i brought mr. sleepy in from the car i threw the blanket in the hallway in a pile of soon to be cleaned laundry. i changed ace, put on jammies, gave him medicine (teething pain), and went to rock him to sleep, as i sat down i grabbed a new blankie and said something about getting a nice clean blanket for him. he got down from my lap and walked into the hallway, it was dark. ace's bedroom is in the basement so at night when all the lights are off there isn't a trace of brightness. he hesitated at the threshold and then barreled down the hallway and came toddling back in with the beloved blanket. i let him fall asleep with it and sneaked in just now to throw it in the wash. i love him. i just love him.

i am sitting her writing in the dark. it has been a great summer. we have done so many fun and amazing things and i am so happy about it. with that said can i also admit that i am ready for school to start? i am ready to be back into a schedule and ready for my kids to go and learn! yes, kids! jovi is probably going to preschool this year. which sort of makes my heart ache, and leap for joy at the same time. my little family is good. shanea is getting married to tim. kate and drew are finally engaged. ace is walking everywhere. my mom keeps getting pnemoniana and she keeps taking pills, but it seems like that is never going to change. i have accepted that it isn't going to change. kevin is here visiting from hawaii. unfortunately the reason he came back is that becky has cancer. i signed brad and i up for a co-ed softball team for the fall, which is totally out of my comfort zone. but i am trying to be more daring. i think it is good for me. it makes me less scared of doing things that are unfamiliar. anyway. i just wanted to do a little update. we went to downata hot springs the other weekend with logan and hallie and marissa, sally and her kids came up for a night too. it was so much fun. i want to do it every single year.

dudes. life is good. everyone is happy. fights are over. kids are getting along. we love long bike rides at night and riding wiggle cars down the street with kids in laps and dogs chasing us... then trudging back up the hill with arms full and laughter abundant. summer is magic. especially now that some kids are old enough to stay up late enough to enjoy some of the coolness and not all of the dead heat of 5 o'clock. subsequently, the littlest one stays up late too. we are sleeping in, getting really dirty, skipping baths and enjoying moments. we still watch tv. we still play video games. we still have to clean this house once in a while. but really, i have let go of having a perfectly clean house and embraced the realness of something that is full-on lived in. currently there are little blue hand prints on the toilet seat from some coloring that transferred from marker, to balloon, to hands to potty. i haven't even bothered. life is being lived and love is here.

i have been without a cell phone for about 24 hours. and i have felt so very happy. it is so wonderful to not be distracted by the instant technology. i am getting a new phone on monday, but i am really going to try to put it down a lot more. yesterday we spent a lot of time working in the yard. it has been really rainy for the last three or four weeks and it was getting a little boring. reese literally spent the entire day outside with his friends. they hooked up the hose and played with water balloons all dang day. it was awesome. kids from up and down the street came over throughout the day. it was great. jovi spent a lot of time outside too. i love that our kids are getting old enough to play for extended periods of time and entertain themselves. they are getting so creative and so fun. i am really trying to make an effort to turn off our screens and spend more time together and spend more time with free play or doing things that we truly enjoy, not just passing the time looking at apps. i am also trying to become more minimalist. i have always been the type to get rid of stuff and sent it to the DI. but it seems that with our bigger family we somehow acquire more things. or i tuck things into places to get out of the way, but really, i should just get rid of them. i am finding that with less stuff i am happier. i literally got rid of half of my wardrobe a couple of weeks ago. it was so liberating! now all of the shirts i own i kind of love. i am not quite there with the bottoms, but i am working on it. anyway, this is kind of a ramble of a bunch of thoughts. but still.

So lately I have been doing things that haven't been making me feel happy. I have been spending a lot of time on my phone and a lot of time watching TV. Getting annoyed at my kids when they interrupted this "me" time. The thing about it is that I wasn't really enjoying myself. So today we watched TV together for about an hour. This morning. And it was turned off by 10 am. And instead we played. And I read a book. A grown up novel. And we went on a walk when the rain let up. I made my kids play with toys and when they complained of boredom I told them to figure it out. And I didn't let my phone rule my life and it. Was. So. Nice. I made a good dinner and the older two are sleeping over at grandma's  house. Just a little reminder to myself that it is so good for me to unplug. ❤❤❤

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JANUARY 3
Hey brother. Mom had a bad couple of days but tonight she really came to and asked to sit up in a chair. She drank broth and drank some juice. And then i just hugged her and held her and she said she loved me. It was so encouraging because she hadnt really spoken for a few days. I think things are going to be ok. But it is going to take a long time. I hope.

JANUARY 4
Hey everyone,
I just thought I would do a little update on my mom. Thank you all so much for all of your kind words, good vibes, prayers, fasting and love! We are really feeling it. My mom is doing better. Yesterday for the first time in two days she began to really respond cognitively and began speaking to us. She asked to get out of bed and sit in the chair in her room. Most of all she wanted to go home, she cried out a little and I think she realized that she has a long road ahead. It was so very encouraging though. When she sat up last night we fed her some broth and she drank juice. And then I sat and held her and hugged her. It did us both good and when I sat down she told me she loved me. It was amazing. She spoke to all of us and even gave my dad a kiss. After all of that she was exhausted and went back to bed. All three of her sisters have traveled to see her and I think that their presence has made a big difference. Each time she sees one for the first time and realizes that they are there she breaks with emotion and then is tuckered out. We are loving the moments where she is mentally present and they seem to be coming more frequently. Her liver function levels are now around 360 and the other one is much lower also. She is still very sick and it is still going to be a long road to recovery, but at least now we have the hope of her being well again. Thanks again everyone for all of your concern. We love you all!