The next time my mom ended up in drug rehab I was in 9th grade. She had been struggling for who knows how long. I remember her thinking she was being so sneaky by hiding her pills, but I followed her around and knew many of her hiding spots. Once I remember her being downstairs in what was Shanea’s old room. She had the vacuum down there and was unzipping it where you put the bag in and she was stashing her pill bottles. I found out she would buy bottles of vanilla extract and drink it on the driveway. Once I saw her drinking beer over by the trailer. Every little thing was a major offence in my eyes. I didn’t know that people could drink a beer and be fine because my mom couldn’t. My brother Kevin would bounce back and forth from living with us and moving out, and he was an alcoholic and a major pot smoker. He was always kind and kept it pretty well under wraps. I know that he would hid his bottles though. Our laundry room didn’t have a finished ceiling and he would tuck his bottles up in the nooks and crannies. In the junk room there was always bottles in the vents. I often wondered how many of those bottles were his vs. my mom’s.
It was
the week before Memorial Day. We were getting ready to go on our annual family
camping trip to Moab. It was my favorite trip every year! All of my siblings
had trailers or tents, we would caravan down to south-east Utah and hike the
Fiery Furnace (The Devil’s Onion), Arches, swim in the pool, walk around to all
of the quirky shops. Kevin had lived in Moab so he could always take us to new
places that we didn’t know about. We were packing up the trailer and the
cordless phone rang. I cannot remember if I answered it or if my dad did. But
my mom had been arrested for driving under the influence. She was in
Centerville and was so smashed that when we got out of the car to get arrested
she fell on her face and chipped her two front teeth. I remember running
through the front yard, past the pine tree and away from my friends. I think we
were all together just messing around skateboarding and talking. I took my
boyfriend Tyler aside and told him what was happening. He was so kind to me. I’m
sure he hadn’t any experience dealing with a situation like that. It was so devastating
and embarrassing. That night I had a nightmare. I dreamed my mom was the wicked
witch of the west, had a green face and chipped teeth. It terrified me.
Tyler was coming on the trip to Moab with us. His mom wasn’t
overly happy about it, but she let him come. I didn’t even see my mom before we
left. My dad must have got her checked into rehab, we decided not to cancel our
trip and stay home. I remember Shirley being especially kind to me on that
trip. I had never thought that she liked me that much, I am sure now it was
less of that and more of her being busy with her own kids. She offered me
bottled water, and it was back before it was common place to have cases of
water. It really made me feel like she cared. My dad drove us down, Tyler and I
rode in the back of the truck and pretty much kissed the entire way down. My
poor dad! I’m sure he know exactly what was going on. We had a great trip! It
was awesome to get away and not think about it all for a while. When we got
back and my mom got out of rehab, she had bought me flowers. They were on the
kitchen counter. She was so happy to see me and I was so fucking angry. I had
always been easy to win over with gifts and my mom knew it. I walked right past
those flowers as she was trying to reach for me and retreated to my bedroom. I
had never been disrespectful like that, and I was sure that I was going to be
in trouble. I wasn’t. I think finally everyone understood that I wasn’t a tiny
child that could be bribed and told it wasn’t ever going to happen again. I
knew it was. I wanted to believe her. I still do. But things don’t seem to
change. It was then that my perception began to change. I had the utmost faith
that she would stop, but deep down I think I knew that this addiction was not
going away.
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