I'm fucking stressed. It's 4:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. My sleep schedule is all messed up and has been for a couple of weeks now. 

Debbie is so hard. She makes life so freaking hard. I don't even know what to do anymore. I worry deeply for her safety, but I don't even know what to do. I have tried to put up boundaries because she sends drunk and high texts all the time that are super passive aggressive. So I decided I wasn't going to respond to them anymore. And Shanea and Kelly don't respond either. She thinks we have all gotten together and decided to shun her. And like, kick her out of our lives. Which is not true at all. But I just don't want the drama any more. 

The whole reason I am awake right now is because I woke up to Brad snoring, and went to turn on my noise on my phone and saw that she had texted. She said that she had sent Jill some songs that are pretty much blaming her for Kade's suicide and that she is not okay, but Jill needs to know. Jill doesn't need to know, and it isn't Jill's fault. Yeah, Jill was a shitty wife. She didn't treat Kade right, and she made major mistakes that impacted Kade greatly. But so did other people, and Kade had major mental health issues. He was so depressed and had bi-polar and there was so much more to it than just Jill. It just drives me crazy that she can blame just Jill. Especially when she can't even see her part in mom being dead now too. I'm not blaming Debbie, but she was treating mom very badly the week that mom died, and I am sure that it affected my mom's decision to end her life. Ugh. It is so much to unpack. I feel like Shanea  and I talk about it endlessly, but it all just goes in circles. Kevin's behavior directly impacted Mom and Kade so much too. 

Anyway, it's like... Debbie has so much rage and anger, she just explodes on us. And it is often over text message, and it is hard to interpret. So now if we don't engage, she feels ignored, which she hates even more. But she literally doesn't know what she wants. It's like, you give her an inch and she will take a mile. And now she has talked about suicide for the 3rd time and told Shanea that she went and fucking bought anti-freeze. What in the actual hell???? She needs professional help. She told Shanea she was going to therapy, but we called Brooke to check up on her and Brooke said she definitely was not in therapy. I never know if she is lying. I want to have a normal relationship with her, but I can't. And she can't see it. She cannot take ownership of any of the wrong doing. Or take any acknowledgement of her mistakes. She just gets angry and sends these unwarranted texts.... It's over the top. 

I just feel like she is so toxic, to me and our family, and to herself. And I don't want it to be my problem anymore. I sometimes just wish she would move to California to be near her boys and they could be her support system that is nearby. 

Whenever she talks about Mom being gone. She only talks about what Mom did for her. Like, how Mom would stop by her house, or visit her, or give her things. Never about what she could do for mom. It just all comes across as so selfish. So narcissistic. And it makes me angry, it makes me feel like she is just so pathetic. She cannot see beyond herself. I'm just over it. 

The rest of the family, we are all trying to band together. We are trying to make a new normal. Plan new things. Have dinners together. Plan new trips. The grandkids are even planning one last sleepover in Mom's house before it is closed on at the end of the month. (Which just breaks my heart). They are all going to go over and sleep in the empty house and eat Little Caesars and popsicles and watch movies in an empty basement. The house is going to be gone. And I am going to miss it. 

Never seeing the places Kade and my Mom and Dad lived is going to hurt. Kade laying on the loveseat, "Hey, What's Up? What's New?" 

Walking in as I'm yelling, "Knock, Knock", Mom: "Hey! What are you doing here?" 

Hurts my heart. God, it hurts. 

And as I write this, I realize maybe I abandoned my mom to Debbie. Maybe, she didn't feel like she could come to me. Or felt like I was too busy, because I was. I was so fucking busy. And I was so fucking sad about Kade... I was just trying to survive, and so was she. And she couldn't. She couldn't do it. I hate that. I hate it so so much. I hate feeling like I failed her, like I failed Kade, and yet, it's like I don't have the energy to do Debbie. It's the same. It's like no matter what we will fail her too. Because it seems like the individual is the only one that can really help themself. I know that we can help them situationally, but in the grand scheme, they have to take long hard looks at themselves and take steps to change. And I feel like my mom and Kade both did that to a degree. But I don't feel like Debbie every will. She doesn't take action like that. It's all denial denial denial. So at what point do you stop feeling guilty and just throw in the towel? I don't know. I just don't.