darlene bean

darlene and mom

my sister died today. she was 48 years old. and i can't believe it. and yet, i can. bless her heart, she has been sick for a long time. i thought she would just go to the hospital and get better, like she always has. but this time was different. she went, and got a little better and then got a lot worse fast. i went and saw her less than a week ago and she knew who i was, she talked to me. she didn't finish her sentences, but she still talked. she started by saying, "now savannah, i've had three kids..." and i am pretty sure she was going to give me some great advice, but then her mind wandered and she never finished. i thought she looked horrible that day. i think she could get any worse. when we went that day, i didn't know she was in the ICU. i brought jovi for her to meet. she never saw her. she never met my baby. i feel major guilt about this. why didn't i bring her a different time? why didn't she ever stop by on her way back to wyoming? i know she would have loved to see her.

a couple of days went by, and i heard she had gotten worse... worse? how could she be worse? well, she was no longer talking, no longer responding to her name, no longer responding to touch or even pinches. i went down with my sisters and mom and dad. i went down to visit her, instead i got an invitation to help decide if she should be taken off oxygen, to decide if we should let her go because she wasn't going to get better. what? she was ok a day ago.... i TALKED to her.... and yeah, she was a little loopy. there isn't anyway that she could really be on her deathbed right? but no... it had really gotten that much worse. i thought i was going down to visit, and instead, instead..... after a long day, me, my husband and my children went home. i was sick. i laid in the back of the car the whole way home. i was weak and tired and i went to the kitchen sink to throw up.

the next day i went down to the hospital again. i spent the whole day there. debbie washed darlene's hair and i braided it. the last thing i could do for my sister. braid her glue ridden hair to keep it off of her face. comfort her boys while they cried, tell off an aunt that got out of line, leave the room when it was just too much, and say good-bye. when kevin (darlene's husband) broke down sobbing, saying he couldn't be the one to decide to take that oxygen off, he couldn't be the one to let his wife die, my heart broke. how do you let someone you love go? even though you know it's the only way. we all got together, we all agreed it was for the best, and the doctor was called. pete yarbrough came in and held darlene's hand for minutes, he helped the nurses prepare medicine and did nursely duties with compassion. and then he removed the oxygen.

i went in by myself and told my sister good-bye, i told her secret things, i told her that i wished we would have been closer, but i knew we couldn't be. i told her i was sorry that she never met jovi. i told her to hug grandma for me, and then i told her i will see her later, and i kissed her bruised hands and her warm forehead, and i walked out. 

kevin, darlene, paden, & tanner

darlene & paden

we ate dinner with paden and tanner. we laughed a little and we cried a little and mostly we just tried to make it through the day. we went up and told everyone goodnight (even the evil aunt). my heart breaks for kevin and those boys. breaks.

i went home, and i held my jovi to my heart, and i swore, i would be good to her, and to reese. and prayed that i never have to lay one of them to rest. and i prayed that darlene would go quickly.

this morning i was getting ready to go to the hospital. i was just about ready when shanea called me crying. "she's dead," she said to me and i asked her what we needed to do. my sister and i called family. we told them that she slipped away peacefully. my mom and dad, kevin and his sister and kelly and shirley were there. it hurts my heart that she is gone. that she won't get to experience tanner and paden longer. but i am glad that she is gone from her pain. i am glad that she is gone from temptation and hurt. i hope she knows i love her. i hope she knows that i wished things were different. i hope she feels peace and happiness and is surrounded by those who loved her the most. i know she is. i know she and grandma are gossiping about it all. bye beanie, i'll see you...

it seems like the last week i have been a bit on a downward spiral. i don't really know why, but i think i have been comparing myself to others a little too much. i try not to do this because it never ends up good, but apparently my thoughts have got the best of me. anyway, i am deciding right now to stop. i am going to try to change my thinking. i am taking a stress management class and i think if i were to take it seriously and do some of the things it talks about i might really be able to change things. i think i have been personalizing things a little too much. like, if i text someone to hang out or something and they text back a one word answer or nothing at all, i am really taking it personally. that's one of the things about technology that i hate. you never know what is really going on or what tone people are talking in. (right now my tone is practical, not irrational). does anyone else ever feel lonely being home a lot? brad is even home right now, but i find myself yearning for female company. for a best friend. one that i can call anytime without an excuse. i have a friend like that, she just lives a million miles away. so that makes it harder and we don't talk as much as we used to. we just aren't in each others daily life anymore. there are a few other things that are adding to my moods of sad, but i never know how much of that personal stuff i can write here. i want to be honest, but not air out all of my dirty laundry online. anyway, there is my life, for this little minute.
on the upside, my kids are the freaking cutest ever. jovi does this little thing where she wrinkles her nose and kind of snortily breathes in... it just cracks me up. and reese, my sweet little reese, his latest is to tell me that he wants to do things for "five minutes" or "three minutes" or that i weigh "twenty-six ounces" numbers are all over the place and he knows all about them. ha! just writing about it makes me feel happy. those two little cuties sure are sweet. tell me to not be selfish and think about stupid things. tell me not to look on facebook all the time. or instagram to see how sweet everyone else's lives are. it just doesn't matter. mine is good, really amazing actually, sometimes i just forget for a minute.

age six racer: jovi

this sweet peanut is six months old! she hasn't been to the doctor yet so i don't have complete stats, but i know she weighs 16 lbs 14 oz. she is pretty much running at about the 60th percentile. 

we read books at night.

shapey legs

mischevious

sleeps with bunny

holds her bottle

adores her momma

major blow out baby = lots of baths

blowing bubbles

dear jovi, 

you are six months old and sweet as ever. i love snuggling you still and you resist. it amazes me that you are already finding your independence. you love your bottle and bounce your legs when you see it. you eat rice cereal once a day. we try babyfood but you prefer table food. you laugh at reese constantly, and he loves you to the moon. you like to be rocked to sleep and sang to. you cry in your car-seat (i know it's lonely back there). i adore your blue eyes and your tiny feet. you look beautiful when your skin is wet from the shower. you roll over constantly and sometimes cry when you can't get back over. you love to sleep with your bunny and chew on his ears. you love whisker kisses from your daddy, and you love to kick and kick those little legs. you have two tiny teeth and a smile that melts me. i love you forever and ever. 

-momma