darlene bean

darlene and mom

my sister died today. she was 48 years old. and i can't believe it. and yet, i can. bless her heart, she has been sick for a long time. i thought she would just go to the hospital and get better, like she always has. but this time was different. she went, and got a little better and then got a lot worse fast. i went and saw her less than a week ago and she knew who i was, she talked to me. she didn't finish her sentences, but she still talked. she started by saying, "now savannah, i've had three kids..." and i am pretty sure she was going to give me some great advice, but then her mind wandered and she never finished. i thought she looked horrible that day. i think she could get any worse. when we went that day, i didn't know she was in the ICU. i brought jovi for her to meet. she never saw her. she never met my baby. i feel major guilt about this. why didn't i bring her a different time? why didn't she ever stop by on her way back to wyoming? i know she would have loved to see her.

a couple of days went by, and i heard she had gotten worse... worse? how could she be worse? well, she was no longer talking, no longer responding to her name, no longer responding to touch or even pinches. i went down with my sisters and mom and dad. i went down to visit her, instead i got an invitation to help decide if she should be taken off oxygen, to decide if we should let her go because she wasn't going to get better. what? she was ok a day ago.... i TALKED to her.... and yeah, she was a little loopy. there isn't anyway that she could really be on her deathbed right? but no... it had really gotten that much worse. i thought i was going down to visit, and instead, instead..... after a long day, me, my husband and my children went home. i was sick. i laid in the back of the car the whole way home. i was weak and tired and i went to the kitchen sink to throw up.

the next day i went down to the hospital again. i spent the whole day there. debbie washed darlene's hair and i braided it. the last thing i could do for my sister. braid her glue ridden hair to keep it off of her face. comfort her boys while they cried, tell off an aunt that got out of line, leave the room when it was just too much, and say good-bye. when kevin (darlene's husband) broke down sobbing, saying he couldn't be the one to decide to take that oxygen off, he couldn't be the one to let his wife die, my heart broke. how do you let someone you love go? even though you know it's the only way. we all got together, we all agreed it was for the best, and the doctor was called. pete yarbrough came in and held darlene's hand for minutes, he helped the nurses prepare medicine and did nursely duties with compassion. and then he removed the oxygen.

i went in by myself and told my sister good-bye, i told her secret things, i told her that i wished we would have been closer, but i knew we couldn't be. i told her i was sorry that she never met jovi. i told her to hug grandma for me, and then i told her i will see her later, and i kissed her bruised hands and her warm forehead, and i walked out. 

kevin, darlene, paden, & tanner

darlene & paden

we ate dinner with paden and tanner. we laughed a little and we cried a little and mostly we just tried to make it through the day. we went up and told everyone goodnight (even the evil aunt). my heart breaks for kevin and those boys. breaks.

i went home, and i held my jovi to my heart, and i swore, i would be good to her, and to reese. and prayed that i never have to lay one of them to rest. and i prayed that darlene would go quickly.

this morning i was getting ready to go to the hospital. i was just about ready when shanea called me crying. "she's dead," she said to me and i asked her what we needed to do. my sister and i called family. we told them that she slipped away peacefully. my mom and dad, kevin and his sister and kelly and shirley were there. it hurts my heart that she is gone. that she won't get to experience tanner and paden longer. but i am glad that she is gone from her pain. i am glad that she is gone from temptation and hurt. i hope she knows i love her. i hope she knows that i wished things were different. i hope she feels peace and happiness and is surrounded by those who loved her the most. i know she is. i know she and grandma are gossiping about it all. bye beanie, i'll see you...

it seems like the last week i have been a bit on a downward spiral. i don't really know why, but i think i have been comparing myself to others a little too much. i try not to do this because it never ends up good, but apparently my thoughts have got the best of me. anyway, i am deciding right now to stop. i am going to try to change my thinking. i am taking a stress management class and i think if i were to take it seriously and do some of the things it talks about i might really be able to change things. i think i have been personalizing things a little too much. like, if i text someone to hang out or something and they text back a one word answer or nothing at all, i am really taking it personally. that's one of the things about technology that i hate. you never know what is really going on or what tone people are talking in. (right now my tone is practical, not irrational). does anyone else ever feel lonely being home a lot? brad is even home right now, but i find myself yearning for female company. for a best friend. one that i can call anytime without an excuse. i have a friend like that, she just lives a million miles away. so that makes it harder and we don't talk as much as we used to. we just aren't in each others daily life anymore. there are a few other things that are adding to my moods of sad, but i never know how much of that personal stuff i can write here. i want to be honest, but not air out all of my dirty laundry online. anyway, there is my life, for this little minute.
on the upside, my kids are the freaking cutest ever. jovi does this little thing where she wrinkles her nose and kind of snortily breathes in... it just cracks me up. and reese, my sweet little reese, his latest is to tell me that he wants to do things for "five minutes" or "three minutes" or that i weigh "twenty-six ounces" numbers are all over the place and he knows all about them. ha! just writing about it makes me feel happy. those two little cuties sure are sweet. tell me to not be selfish and think about stupid things. tell me not to look on facebook all the time. or instagram to see how sweet everyone else's lives are. it just doesn't matter. mine is good, really amazing actually, sometimes i just forget for a minute.

weird day...

Today had been the most randomly weird day... First of all, it's April, we are on spring break and it SNOWED like crazy. Reese was so excited that he went out at 7:45 this morning to play. From my warm kitchen I snapped a couple of pictures:

So Reese and I decided it would be a great day to go to the Treehouse Museum. We went and had a good time and he made me quite the little art project. Little sweetie. Jovi slept the whole time. When we were leaving I talked to Brad and we decided to meet at my mom's house. Earlier that day he told me that he had dropped his ipod and it wasn't working. Really? ok... whatever... Then, he tells me he got a ticked for our car not being registered... BUT, it is.... We just haven't got the stickers in the mail yet... UGH.... Anyway, we meet up and my  parents watch the kids for us while we run to the mall to get my phone replaced. It has been freaking out since I got it, so being the wise person I am I pay 4.99/mo to insure it... Well..... As we go to leave, I drop my phone. And it cracks. VOIDING MY INSURANCE... you are FREAKING kidding me. Now the weather outside is sixty degrees and Reese has been playing. I have a cracked phone and Brad has a new ipod... I just couldn't bring myself to spend $350 to get a new phone when I am already paying for this one.... Weird day... Not even bad. Just weird.

this is how it is.

our life changed really fast. like in a week. it kind of sucks.

brad was just going to school full time, i had been wanting and he had been wanting too, for him to get a job. well, he did. i just didn't expect him to be gone ALL THE TIME. well he was. and there was an end in sight, because he was just in training.... well, training came and went, and we got a call from the stake president. we went in and brad got called to be our ward clerk.

which meant he is  going to be gone on wednesday nights and sundays pretty much all day long... hmmm..... what a delight. so now he works monday, tuesday, thursday, friday, and saturday nights. he is at the bishopric meetings on wednesday nights and we have family dinner on sunday nights. brad also has school on monday, wednesday and friday and i work on wednesday. that leaves us tuesday and thursday mornings to see each other and to be together as a family.

it freaking sucks.

i am glad he got his calling, i am glad he got his job. i just thought that we would still see each other. and we don't. and i am a little lonely. and it's sad because he doesn't hardly get to see the kids, and heaven knows when he is doing his homework... and working out just went out the window....i am just sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. no big deal. things will be ok.

eight

last weekend brad and i celebrated eight years together... how time flies by! don't mind me in all my pregnant glory! it was brad's year to surprise me and he planned an amazing weekend. first i went to my class (way to kill every saturday this semester) then we went and dropped off reese with my parents. he took me to a new restaurant in salt lake called vinto. it was very trendy, kind of an organic italian place. then we went and checked into our room, at hotel montaco. i have always wanted to stay there! it was so chic, i really liked it, our room was cozy and had two tvs. we spent some time there and then headed off for another surprise. he took me to the desert star and we watched their new play hunk-cules. it was hilarious. we laughed a lot. at the end they do this thing where they ask about birthdays and anniversaries and all that stuff, so brad told them it was our 8th anniversary. well, they wanted us to get up and dance and i was like, i can't i am too big... (this place is crowded!) after the song was over the annoucer totally called me out on it! he went on for a few minutes and after that i kept getting so nervous that he would make me get up on stage... thank goodness he didn't, because i would have died! it was quite entertaining though. after the show we ran to the grocery store and bought some treats. we went back to our room and snacked and watched a movie. it was really nice to get away and just do something alone together.

tuesday was our actual anniversary so after work and shcool we decided to go to salt lake and eat at the macaroni grill. that tends to be our tradition and since we didn't go there on saturday we thought it would be nice. we brought reese with us. afterwards we took reese to temple square because he always asks if big buildings are temples, so we wanted him to see it. he was totally fascinated with all the water fountains and especially the reflection pool. he also petted some of the horses. when we got home and got reese to bed we read our ten things to one another. they have definitely evolved over the years. it used to be all lovey-dovey and now it has turned into more of a memory list. which is nice and sad at the same time. i love my anniversary more every year and i really love that we have made traditions that are special. brad is an amazing husband and father and i am grateful for him everyday.

man, i am bored

brad went on a camping trip this weekend and there is only so much you can do to fill up nap time. i am a little lonely and this week has been a little hard. good things happened but it seems like there were little things that made it difficult. i realize when brad is gone how much stress he relieves from my day that i completely take for granted. especially since he has been home. he really does a lot with reese and plays with him and indulges him. lately i just don't feel like i have the patience or the energy. reese is such a sweet boy, but i think he has finally hit the terrible twos. he really knows how to push my buttons and some days i feel like i am lecturing him more than showing him my love. it's kind of sad. but kind of true. last night he woke up twice in the night, that is the first time he has woken up at all since he moved downstairs. once was to go potty (also a first) and once, i think he said he was going to throw up. but he tells me that every day. so i think he just needed a little love.
school starts soon and i am a little nervous. brad is going to be taking trax down to the U, taking 18 credit hours. and i am still going to weber 1/2 time. i am nervous because i am due to have this baby near the end of the semester and i am scared she will come early and i will lose all motivation and drop all of my classes. i am also a little worried about brad burning himself out. 18 credit hours is so much work. i am just hoping that he can find a part time job up on campus that will allow him to get some of the home work done. oh yeah, and help pay the bills.... i still haven't found out what i will be awarded for student loans and grants. brad did and it's not enough for our family to live on. it's a little scary going into so much debt in so little time. but i am praying it will be worth it.
on the up side we are getting a lot of projects done around our house. our kitchen cabinets are pretty much finished. brad is going to tile the bathroom before he goes back to school (we only bought the tile 2 years ago!), the baby room is painted, i am working on the quilt for her crib, and reese's room is done. not to mention all the furniture we have update by painting. one day i will put pictures up of all these projects. one day. does anyone read my blog anymore? it would be interesting to know. have a good day. i miss you.

dear noah,

dear noah, you are a very loved little man. you have so many people who adore you and wish you were going to be with them, but we all know that you are in the perfect place and in the perfect arms. i hope you know how much i love you. i am going to miss you and pray for you always, and i know you are going to grow up to be a good boy and an amazing man. your mom and dad are selfless and amazing for giving you to your new parents. your dad especially has a special place in my heart, because really he was my first child. he was the first baby that i had an instant connection with and i have loved with all my heart since the day he was born. he loves you so much. we all do. i miss you already. love, your great auntie sav

funny news!

so i haven't put it on here yet, but we are having our second baby! yay... a few weeks ago we announced it was a boy, after having been to TWO doctor appointments where Dr. Bierer told us so... but today we went to the doctor again and we found out that we are really having a baby GIRL!!!!! i was so excited about having a boy, but i feel truly blessed to be having a girl. Reese has already told plenty of people that he is getting a "sisser baby". he doesn't really get it yet, but i am sure they will love each other dearly! i am really happy today.

kanarraville

so...my mom and dad grew up in this tiny town called kanarraville. it's in southern utah... and i love it. we haven't been there much since my grandparents have all passed away. but! my grandma's house is still owned by my aunt. so she is letting the family all take turns and visit down there. it is awesome!

the first night we got there shanea did facials on all of us.

drew and dylan have on the purifying mask.

reese wasn't so sure about his turn.

but logan was thrilled with his results. especially his hair.

the next day we went to redcliff and hiked. all these boys jumped off the cliffs.

reese and i making our way to the water. i am a terrible mom and forgot sunscreen. so we asked some people if we could have some. they went on and on about how big reese was until it got weird... like we don't already know he is big... people are funny.

reese and daddy chasing and catching frogs.

drew jumping off the cliff. we went to st george for lunch and ate at smash burger. it was pretty fun. then we headed back to the house so reese could take a nap and my brother kyle and his wife came to visit. i forgot to get a picture of them. it's too bad we don't see them very much, but i guess that's how life is.

the next day we went to the little park. we had tons of fun swinging, playing on the witch hat and racing down the slides. but all fun comes to an end when the babe gets a blood nose.

check out that sad lip! he really knows how to stick that thing out!

next we hiked up to turtle cave. i really enjoyed it but i have to say i thought my dad might die! it was totally steep and further than i expected, or else i wouldn't have begged him to take us. we stopped a few times for breaks and we all made it to the top.

drew, log and hallie on the top.

reese and i standing by the cave.

brad carried reese on the way down and he crashed! poor thing fell right asleep. it was so fun. and i am excited to go again in couple of weeks and do some more hiking.

i think it was so fun for my dad and mom to get to share some of their past with the grand kids especially. late one of the nights brad and all the boys went out to find the leg to see if it would chase them. i loved that. then we showed reese where my dad used to sleep when he was a little boy and how this was the house he grew up in with his mom and dad. he couldn't get over it and had to keep asking everyone about "grandpa little boy like me??" it was truly precious.

december is my fave

i freaking LOVE december this year, a few good reasons:

 

experiencing snow for the first time this year

 

surprise visits from my favorite New York niece!

gearing up and going skiing!

 

 going to temple square and getting some of the best pictures of the year

 

having this guy jump out and scare me at my own house! FREAKING HILARIOUS!!! smith and edwards is the best store ever!

reese and bentley

reese at weber state, that is a real reindeer behind him!

i've also been drinking hot chocolate with real whip cream, like, EVERY single day.

been shopping for gifts for all my favorite people.

had some serious wake up calls about how blessed we really are. 

grateful we have enough money this year. 

life is good in december.

oh august!

this month has been crazy.. hmm, maybe crazy is too nice of a word... brad got a new job, and we had been waiting for a couple of months to find out whether he had it or not. so when we found out we were exstatic. except then a few things happened. like, they wanted him to start tomorrow. and that was a problem, because we needed to get him a car, so brad told them he could start the next monday. so we got brad a new car. (2007 hyundai santa fe), it's an awesome car and we got a screaming deal on it. so that week they told brad that they would need him to go out of town for a job for the weekend. i was like, uh, ok. we knew that he was going to have to travel for this job, i guess i just wasn't expecting it to be so quickly. well, that weekend turned into a week, which turned into two weeks, and now onto three. and he still isn't home. ugh... i don't like being a single mom. i don't like going to bed alone, i don't like doing all the chores and having to learn how to mow the lawn. (yes, i mowed the lawn for the first time. and i have the green feet to prove it.) luckily, brad hasn't been too far away from home. just up in rexburg, idaho, so reese and i have gone up there the last two weekends to visit. when we had to leave for the first time i burst into tears. i just miss brad so much. it has been so stressful. and then to add to that, school started. half of the reason brad took this job was because they promised him that they would work around night classes. and that was such a relief. so, anyway, the week that school was supposed to start rolled around and brad kept trying to call his boss and tell him that he had to be home on thursday night for it. well, this guy isn't the guy who hired him and pretty much told brad to either go to school and quit or stay in idaho and quit school. to put it lightly we were devistated. it's not like brad can just quit his job. so he was going to drop his classes (all of this being decided through a lot of tears and anger and frustration), but we didn't have a choice. luckily the guy that hired brad called him and brad explained the situaion, and he called the boss and told him that this had all been discussed prior to brad taking the job. so we are so grateful that it worked out, but now i am feeling a bit unsure about all of this. 

anyway, that's just a tid bit of what has been going on in our lives. it's hard because at first we were feeling so blessed. like brad finally got this job and it pays more and it's going to make it possible for him to go out of school. but then it was like a slap in the face because he hasn't been home for almost a month, (except one night that he came home for his class, so i saw him for about an hour), so it feels like just when we think we are getting ahead, we take ten steps back. i just pray that it all works out. actually, i really think we have done well at making the best of a crappy situation. we got set up on skype and google talk. so that has helped, and i think that when we are in a crisis mode we really come together. anyway, onto better things: 

like my dad's birthday! 

he turned 79 this year! doesn't he look great? 

blowing out the candles 

i got us matching shirts.

reese loves to be wrapped up lately

i really haven't taken a lot of pics in the last few weeks, but this last weekend i got out the camera while we were in idaho with daddy. 

the only pretty view in idaho

reese is ready to be there already. he is such a trooper. he only ever complained when the sun was in his eyes. he is a good little traveler. if we keep up on crap like this i'll have to invest in a portable DVD player.

brad was really wanting to get out of rexburg so we went to jackson hole for the day. it was freezing! we had to go buy me and reese hoodies cause we were unprepared. it rained the whole time we were there but we still had fun. we went to all the little shops, had home made ice cream and went to the ripley's believe it or not museum.

the weekend before we went to idaho falls and saw the movie "despicible me". it was hilarious. reese loved to go swimming with his daddy while we were there too. alrighty! there's the update!

we've been having lots of fun this summer...

by doing things like

wearing a bucket helmet

and getting a new bike

and eating lots of good food

we've been swimming a few times

and worked on a few home improvement projects

ran around in our skivvies with a headband on
(just like our cousins)

and we are pooped!

can you tell?