Reese had his first basketball game of the season last night. It came with massive mixed feelings. I love watching him play, but the last time I saw my mom was at one of his games. It was about two weeks before she died. It wasn't at the same place, but it still brought up feelings of trauma and guilt. I had been home for almost a week from Georgia and hadn't seen her yet, and then she was gone. So I had gone almost two weeks without seeing her. I know that I can't change that, and that I was doing what I thought was best for me and my family at the time, but I wish so bad I could go back and scoop her up and be there for her more. Maybe things would have turned out different. Maybe not. It doesn't really help to play that mental game, but it is so hard not to. The start of basketball means it has almost been a year since I heard her voice, saw her smile, listened to her silly jokes, asked her about her life. It fucking sucks. It's like I had a whole different life before and it is almost dream-like. Not in a rose colored glasses kind of way, because there was still so much shit happening. But in a way like, did that really happen? Was that really even real? And then if I think back to before my dad died... Like before he started to lose his memory... Then it seems almost like a book I read a long time ago. A book I loved, and I remember the story, but it has been so long that I have forgotten some of the details, and I really only remember the major plot points, good and bad.... A few details come back here and there, but for the most part, it just seems like fiction. 

I always knew I would lose my parents. I knew I wouldn't be old, I worried about it when I was a teenager, but I always thought it would be peaceful. And it was so fucking traumatic. And then Kade... Oh, God... I just almost can't let myself think about him. I really don't because I can't. It hurts too much. How could my my most beautiful brother, the most authentic soul be gone? 

I feel like a broken record. Having these feelings. Going to therapy. Saying the same things over and over, and having her say back, "It's hard".... but it's true. It feels so weird that only some people know that mom killed herself. It wasn't obvious like Kade. And we weren't sure at first. And we didn't want everyone to feel the hurt that they felt over Kade all over again. So just our immediate family knows... We didn't tell the aunts and uncles an cousins. They might have inclinations, but in the end, nothing changes. It doesn't bring her back. We wanted to protect her from judgements. I wanted to protect them from pain. No matter what, it still hurts. 

 It's getting to be Christmas time. I just don't know. It feels so empty this year. My view on gifts has shifted. I have always been a little selfish, like I would see something that I would like, would want to get it for someone, but maybe change my mind and just get it for myself. Or talk myself out of getting it for the cost. This year, I want to get everyone I love a gift. A real gift, not just a "I'm obligated" gift. I bought Shanea and Debbie cute Lori Mitchell angel figurines. My mom loved angels and always had them on her Christmas tree. So I bought an angel ornament for myself, and I found another one while we were in Italy and bought it. Maybe it's my new Christmas thing. 

I hate that my mom isn't here. I want to buy her a great Christmas gift. I want to go out of my way and take her out to dinner and repay her for all of the generous things she did for me. I feel like I never got the chance to do that. Or I never took the initiative to do it. I was too cheap or too stressed or too selfish. 

I wish I could take it all back. Tell her how sorry I am. I'm so sorry I let her down. That I wasn't there for her better. That I didn't take every chance to go visit or take care of her. But I was so tired, and so sad, and I thought she was okay. I had no idea she was so bad. 

I should have been with her more. A year ago she was sick. So sick she ended up in the hospital with a terrible UTI. It made her very confused and she thought Kade was alive. She thought Dad was alive. She didn't have her Ipad so she spent all of this time telling us stories and talking and telling my kids funny things. I remember thinking, I should get out my phone and record this... But I didn't and I regret it so, so much. I spent time at the hospital. I was there... Her mind was so wonky, that she heard Brad say that he had given Taffy a haircut and she had an afro. She leaned over to Debbie and asked if Brad was turning into a negro. We were all shocked and horrified and couldn't help but laugh... 

She ended up needing to go to short term rehab, she didn't want to. And the night that she was released from the hospital and taken to the rehab, I was going to a party that had been planned for months. So I asked Brad if he and the kids could go get her settled in. She ended up testing positive for COVID, so they wouldn't let them in to see her. That night she froze, her room was cold, she didn't have any pajamas and she only had a terrible blanket. She was so upset. The next day I ran her jammies, underwear, a heater, a cozy pillow and blanket. Shanea brought over a little Christmas tree and decorations. I was in a hurry because of my job. I felt like I was letting everyone down. My Mom, my job, all my kids were in sports and I was utterly overwhelmed with grief for Kade. I went and saw her a couple of times, but not as much as I should have. The pajamas I brought her just hung huge on her. She was released the day before Christmas Eve and we were all so glad. She was planning on sleeping over at my house and being there for Christmas morning. She changed her mind on Christmas Eve. I wished she would have come. I still wish she would have. She did come over on Christmas Day, thank goodness. I can't even remember if we had dinner or breakfast here. I think maybe we did both.... 

Anyway, it's hard to live without regrets. I just feel so sorry all the time. I wish I could turn back time and change things. My mom should be here. She should be watching my kids grow up. I should be able to call her and chat and tell her all of the things that are going on. We should be going to lunch, and picking up the pieces. She should be moving into a cute little senior community and making new friends. She should be here. 

 I'm fucking stressed. It's 4:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. My sleep schedule is all messed up and has been for a couple of weeks now. 

Debbie is so hard. She makes life so freaking hard. I don't even know what to do anymore. I worry deeply for her safety, but I don't even know what to do. I have tried to put up boundaries because she sends drunk and high texts all the time that are super passive aggressive. So I decided I wasn't going to respond to them anymore. And Shanea and Kelly don't respond either. She thinks we have all gotten together and decided to shun her. And like, kick her out of our lives. Which is not true at all. But I just don't want the drama any more. 

The whole reason I am awake right now is because I woke up to Brad snoring, and went to turn on my noise on my phone and saw that she had texted. She said that she had sent Jill some songs that are pretty much blaming her for Kade's suicide and that she is not okay, but Jill needs to know. Jill doesn't need to know, and it isn't Jill's fault. Yeah, Jill was a shitty wife. She didn't treat Kade right, and she made major mistakes that impacted Kade greatly. But so did other people, and Kade had major mental health issues. He was so depressed and had bi-polar and there was so much more to it than just Jill. It just drives me crazy that she can blame just Jill. Especially when she can't even see her part in mom being dead now too. I'm not blaming Debbie, but she was treating mom very badly the week that mom died, and I am sure that it affected my mom's decision to end her life. Ugh. It is so much to unpack. I feel like Shanea  and I talk about it endlessly, but it all just goes in circles. Kevin's behavior directly impacted Mom and Kade so much too. 

Anyway, it's like... Debbie has so much rage and anger, she just explodes on us. And it is often over text message, and it is hard to interpret. So now if we don't engage, she feels ignored, which she hates even more. But she literally doesn't know what she wants. It's like, you give her an inch and she will take a mile. And now she has talked about suicide for the 3rd time and told Shanea that she went and fucking bought anti-freeze. What in the actual hell???? She needs professional help. She told Shanea she was going to therapy, but we called Brooke to check up on her and Brooke said she definitely was not in therapy. I never know if she is lying. I want to have a normal relationship with her, but I can't. And she can't see it. She cannot take ownership of any of the wrong doing. Or take any acknowledgement of her mistakes. She just gets angry and sends these unwarranted texts.... It's over the top. 

I just feel like she is so toxic, to me and our family, and to herself. And I don't want it to be my problem anymore. I sometimes just wish she would move to California to be near her boys and they could be her support system that is nearby. 

Whenever she talks about Mom being gone. She only talks about what Mom did for her. Like, how Mom would stop by her house, or visit her, or give her things. Never about what she could do for mom. It just all comes across as so selfish. So narcissistic. And it makes me angry, it makes me feel like she is just so pathetic. She cannot see beyond herself. I'm just over it. 

The rest of the family, we are all trying to band together. We are trying to make a new normal. Plan new things. Have dinners together. Plan new trips. The grandkids are even planning one last sleepover in Mom's house before it is closed on at the end of the month. (Which just breaks my heart). They are all going to go over and sleep in the empty house and eat Little Caesars and popsicles and watch movies in an empty basement. The house is going to be gone. And I am going to miss it. 

Never seeing the places Kade and my Mom and Dad lived is going to hurt. Kade laying on the loveseat, "Hey, What's Up? What's New?" 

Walking in as I'm yelling, "Knock, Knock", Mom: "Hey! What are you doing here?" 

Hurts my heart. God, it hurts. 

And as I write this, I realize maybe I abandoned my mom to Debbie. Maybe, she didn't feel like she could come to me. Or felt like I was too busy, because I was. I was so fucking busy. And I was so fucking sad about Kade... I was just trying to survive, and so was she. And she couldn't. She couldn't do it. I hate that. I hate it so so much. I hate feeling like I failed her, like I failed Kade, and yet, it's like I don't have the energy to do Debbie. It's the same. It's like no matter what we will fail her too. Because it seems like the individual is the only one that can really help themself. I know that we can help them situationally, but in the grand scheme, they have to take long hard looks at themselves and take steps to change. And I feel like my mom and Kade both did that to a degree. But I don't feel like Debbie every will. She doesn't take action like that. It's all denial denial denial. So at what point do you stop feeling guilty and just throw in the towel? I don't know. I just don't. 

Dealing with my Mom's Addiction Part 3

     The next time my mom ended up in drug rehab I was in 9^th grade. She had been struggling for who knows how long. I remember her thinking she was being so sneaky by hiding her pills, but I followed her around and knew many of her hiding spots. Once I remember her being downstairs in what was Shanea’s old room. She had the vacuum down there and was unzipping it where you put the bag in and she was stashing her pill bottles. I found out she would buy bottles of vanilla extract and drink it on the driveway. Once I saw her drinking beer over by the trailer. Every little thing was a major offence in my eyes. I didn’t know that people could drink a beer and be fine because my mom couldn’t. My brother Kevin would bounce back and forth from living with us and moving out, and he was an alcoholic and a major pot smoker. He was always kind and kept it pretty well under wraps. I know that he would hid his bottles though. Our laundry room didn’t have a finished ceiling and he would tuck his bottles up in the nooks and crannies. In the junk room there was always bottles in the vents. I often wondered how many of those bottles were his vs. my mom’s.

               It was the week before Memorial Day. We were getting ready to go on our annual family camping trip to Moab. It was my favorite trip every year! All of my siblings had trailers or tents, we would caravan down to south-east Utah and hike the Fiery Furnace (The Devil’s Onion), Arches, swim in the pool, walk around to all of the quirky shops. Kevin had lived in Moab so he could always take us to new places that we didn’t know about. We were packing up the trailer and the cordless phone rang. I cannot remember if I answered it or if my dad did. But my mom had been arrested for driving under the influence. She was in Centerville and was so smashed that when we got out of the car to get arrested she fell on her face and chipped her two front teeth. I remember running through the front yard, past the pine tree and away from my friends. I think we were all together just messing around skateboarding and talking. I took my boyfriend Tyler aside and told him what was happening. He was so kind to me. I’m sure he hadn’t any experience dealing with a situation like that. It was so devastating and embarrassing. That night I had a nightmare. I dreamed my mom was the wicked witch of the west, had a green face and chipped teeth. It terrified me.

Tyler was coming on the trip to Moab with us. His mom wasn’t overly happy about it, but she let him come. I didn’t even see my mom before we left. My dad must have got her checked into rehab, we decided not to cancel our trip and stay home. I remember Shirley being especially kind to me on that trip. I had never thought that she liked me that much, I am sure now it was less of that and more of her being busy with her own kids. She offered me bottled water, and it was back before it was common place to have cases of water. It really made me feel like she cared. My dad drove us down, Tyler and I rode in the back of the truck and pretty much kissed the entire way down. My poor dad! I’m sure he know exactly what was going on. We had a great trip! It was awesome to get away and not think about it all for a while. When we got back and my mom got out of rehab, she had bought me flowers. They were on the kitchen counter. She was so happy to see me and I was so fucking angry. I had always been easy to win over with gifts and my mom knew it. I walked right past those flowers as she was trying to reach for me and retreated to my bedroom. I had never been disrespectful like that, and I was sure that I was going to be in trouble. I wasn’t. I think finally everyone understood that I wasn’t a tiny child that could be bribed and told it wasn’t ever going to happen again. I knew it was. I wanted to believe her. I still do. But things don’t seem to change. It was then that my perception began to change. I had the utmost faith that she would stop, but deep down I think I knew that this addiction was not going away.

Dealing with my Mom's Addiction Part 2

     The second memory that comes to my mind when I think about my mom’s addiction and how it affected my life, is when she went to rehab. I have several memories about this, but the first one I am going to write about is the first one that made me feel shame. My mom made the decision to go to rehab. She was going to be gone for three weeks at a center called Charter in North Salt Lake. I spent every waking moment with my mom, so I was a little afraid of being without her, but I wanted her to stop using drugs so much that I was actually thrilled. 

    I was in fourth grade. My parents weren’t the type that went to parent teacher conferences, or volunteered at the school, so my teacher was oblivious to what was going on. It must have been a Monday, because the teacher asked if anyone had any good news or had something to share about the weekend. I raised my hand high above my head and hoped she would call on me. She did! I was so excited to tell this adult, who was so much a part of my life my good news. I excitedly said, “My mom went to rehab this weekend! She is going to stop using drugs!” I was bursting with excitement, and hope. As soon as the words came out of my mouth, my teachers face dropped. She was mortified. I knew immediately that I had made a mistake. She tried to make light, tried to recover, but it was too late. I knew that my pride shouldn’t have been pride, that it should have been shame. But how could it be? I was maybe 9 or 10 years old, and I just wanted my mom back. I was filled with optimism, anticipation and faith! I knew she was going to do this and it would never be a problem again. I was very wrong.

Now as an adult, looking back on this, I can see what a struggle it would have been for my dad. He would have had to use his vacation time to stay home and care for me during this stint. He still had hope. He drove me to school every day and bought me a tape of The Bodyguard soundtrack. We sang Whitney Houston and he drank coffee and I got candy. I loved spending time with him. Those weeks that my mom was gone, really made us depend on one another. We had always been close, I knew he worshipped me. But now we were partners with a common vice. We went through it together because we were the only ones in the family home now. Everyone else had moved out. We wrote letters to Kade, babysat Shanea’s kids, and called Debbie every week. But we were the ones dealing with the day to day of addiction.  

Dealing with my Mom's Addiction

 

The first memory that comes to mind about my mom’s addiction is always the same one. I had just gotten out of the shower. I was probably 9 or 10 years old. I had just gotten out of a steamy shower and I was wearing a white bathrobe that had a peach windowpane pattern on it. My hair was wrapped up in a matching peach towel, which Santa had brought my mom for Christmas the previous year. My dad was out on the road. I’m not sure what day it was, but he wasn’t due back anytime soon. 

My mom was constantly rearranging the furniture (something that I also do constantly at my own home). And for some reason there was a recliner in the dining area, along with a round oak table and an 11” TV on the counter. My mom was sitting in the recliner, and something was wrong. I don’t remember exactly how it escalated, but I know that somehow I was worried enough that I called my sister, Debbie. Debbie lived in New York, so she was pretty helpless in the situation. 

My mom was slurring her words, and I was frightened. It wasn’t the first time it had happened, but it may have been the first time that it had happened while I was alone at home with her. 

That same year, my sister Shanea had gotten married and moved out, and my brother Kade had left on a mission that lasted two years. It was just me and my mom when dad was at work, and he was usually gone for two nights and three days. Anyway, Debbie told me to go into a room and lock the door behind me. I chose the first bathroom. It is a small bathroom that is the length of a tub, with the sink and toilet directly across from it. I don’t know if, Debbie got in touch with Shanea somehow, or if I had called her previously, but I think I knew she was on her way. My hair was getting dry, and I had the cordless phone with me. I was crying, I didn’t know what to do. Debbie kept telling me that I had to hang up the phone with her and call 911.

I had never done anything that serious before and I was terrified of what that meant. That mom really had a problem, that I was really all alone with her, that my dad couldn’t get home to me. The whole while my mom was banging on the door insisting that I open it up. I am telling her, no, no. I won’t open up, you are scaring me. Debbie is telling me to hang up and call the ambulance, that I am the only one that can do it, and my mom is still banging. She is telling me through the door, that if I call 911 that they will take me away from her forever. That I won’t ever see her again, that I will go to foster-care, that they will take me away. I close my eyes tightly, I tell Debbie that I am hanging up now, she makes me promise to call her back as soon as I get off the phone with 911. A deep breath, and I hit the off button. Bang! Bang! Bang! They will take you away! I won’t ever see you again! Don’t you love your mom? I press the phone button, Bang! I press 9. Bang! Savannah! Don’t you do it! I press 1 and 1 again. 911, what is your emergency? There is something wrong with my mom. I think she took too many pills. Please come. I am all alone with her. Minutes later someone arrives, I don’t know if it is the police, the ambulance, my sister or a neighbor. But I am not alone anymore and I can come out of the bathroom. I don’t remember coming out. But I remember feeling the responsibility of having called the cops on my mom. That I could still feel the tears dripping down my face. Shanea hugs me. It is her old bathrobe that I am wearing. We hadn’t been close before, I actually had bugged her all my life. But she held me and took me with her. I don’t know what happened to my mom after that. Did she stay in the hospital overnight? Did my dad come home? I don’t know.

 

With so much time to spare the last week or so (quarantine still going on), I have had some time to do some things that I have put off for a number of years. I bought some photo albums a few months ago, and instead of using one for each of my kids, I decided to go through all of my old pictures and put them in. They aren't chronological. I don't have the patience or time to do that, but they are childhood, youth/teen years, and early marriage. Going through all of these photos made me really reflect on some of the people from my past and the way I handled them. I have about 100 pictures of me and Tami Greaves throughout all of junior high, and then she just drops off. We had a strong love/hate relationship and I really didn't forgive her til I was well into my late 20's. Kind of sad that I spent so much time and energy on disliking a person. If I saw her now, I would feel so differently. I wouldn't even care about the stupid ways we treated each other because we were kids. We were stupid.

Even more stupid is the way I completely disregarded Caleb's feelings after I got married. I was on such a high, and still so green to married life, that I felt like I was still single. I still loved him when I married Brad. Don't get me wrong, I KNEW that Brad was the man for me.

But I have harbored so much guilt and anxiety about him. Going through those old pictures, I found some of the notes he had written me, and I know that we truly had a strong love for each other. I really thought I was going to marry him until I met Brad. But my love for Brad swept me up so strongly and quickly, that I was completely soaked in it. I didn't even comprehend that I would hurt Caleb. I just assumed he would be over me. And I wasn't even over him.

I got married to Brad 3 weeks before he came home, and I had the audacity to show up to his homecoming with my new husband. Brad hung back. He met him, and I pulled Caleb aside and cried and told him I was sorry. He told me that I did what I had to do, and I agreed. I can still hear the bitterness in is words, but I didn't hear it in his voice. I was too self involved.

I tried to be his friend after that. ( I am shaking my head at my own stupidity as I write this). I still cared for him so much that I thought we could be just friends. I stopped by his house once, when Brad was working late. I told him I didn't want to go home. I am sure this led him on. And I stupidly though I was being innocent. I am sure it made him so angry and uncomfortable. Foolish.

Why am I writing about this now? Almost 20 years later? Because it haunts me. I still dream about him. I dream about his wife. I dream about how they hate and despise me.

I truly thought I was being a nice person. As a now grown woman, I can see what a fool I was. How I came across as cruel and hurtful. I really didn't mean it. And now it is much too late to apologize or make things right.

When we were still young, we went to a young married ward for our church. It was for Weber State students. Caleb and his new wife Becky started coming to the ward. It was awkward, but most of the time we didn't see them. We said hi in the halls and awkwardly moved on. As time went on Becky started talking to me on myspace. I thought she wanted to be my friend. She asked me personal questions and I answered them, and I asked them back. I wanted to know what they were like and she wanted to know what I was like. I thought we were on our way to becoming couple friends. I was so wrong. It went down badly. There were hurt feelings. I told her I didn't want to be friends anymore. We left the ward. I was so embarrassed for assuming that everything was okay between all of us. Caleb didn't want us to be friends. Becky was chatting with me behind his back. I found out that Becky had talked to our bishop about the whole situation. We moved out and that was the end of it.

When we bought our first house, Caleb's little brother lived up the street. We became friends because we had babies at the same time. This hurt Caleb and Becky. She said something on social media and my friend told me about it and I called her out. It was a bad situation. And so stupid, and I was angry. What was I doing to them? But now, now I can see. I can see that I should have left well enough alone. I should have not tried to stay friends with his brother. I just grew to love his family so much while he was on his mission. I developed such strong relationships with his brothers, and his mom and dad. I really thought at the time that they were going to be my in-laws and I wanted them to like me. I had a hard time letting that go. Especially after coming in to Brad's family. His mom didn't like me, didn't approve of our marriage. It wasn't the same. I was almost as heartbroken about losing his family as I was about losing him. Probably more so. So I tried to hold on.

Time went on and I would run into Caleb and Becky occasionally. I knew through the grapevine that they were having trouble getting pregnant, my heart hurt for them. I had my baby and loved him so much. When Derrick's wife told me she was pregnant, I did what I thought would make peace. I bought a gift and left it at Caleb's parents house. (OMH..... Why couldn't I just leave it alone???) Why did I feel this need to make things right between us? They hated me.... And I couldn't stop. I don't know why.

Back when all of the myspace garbage was going on, and before we left the ward, I called Becky. Why I had her number, I don't know. I wondered why Caleb looked like I had slapped him when I mentioned our chats to her in passing at church. Turned out she had been dishonest with him and he didn't know we were talking. I was mortified. I felt like the other woman in their relationship. She proceeded to tell me that we came to their wedding, uninvited, and nearly ruined their wedding day...

How this catastrophe happened, that I didn't even know was a big deal in my naivete, was this:
We did not get a paper invitation. But Brad ran into Kathy (Caleb's mom) at the doctors office. She asked if we were coming to the wedding and he asked when and where? She invited my husband. I remember asking Amber if we should go and she was hesitant to say yes. I on the other hand, felt at my wedding the more the merrier and again stupidly assumed that everyone felt that way. So we went. Gift in hand. Walked right up to the happy couple and ruined their night by asking about our invitation getting lost in the mail. We hugged them, told them congrats and left. But it left a major impact. What to us was an innocent moment of celebration was a slap in the face to them. I can see it so clearly now. But back then, I didn't. I didn't see it at all.

We ran into them a few times over the years, and this once upon a time love of my life wouldn't even look me in the face. I can't blame him. And at the time I couldn't understand. But I see it now. I was so carefree, so careless. I played with emotions unknowingly that I never should have even been a part of. I have truly lived with regret for years, even when I couldn't see what I had done wrong. Time has given me insight to things I could not understand before.

The last time I ran into them, was on a Fourth of July at the park. They both could bear to look at me. For that I am grateful. I am truly sorry for the hurt and the pain that I caused them.

For a long time I have wondered if the love that Caleb and I shared was all in my head. Because I knew he hated me so vehemently. How could someone I loved so much hate me so badly? I am glad I happened upon a few of those old notes and letters. I don't have most of them, but I have a few, and they reminded me that I wasn't crazy, that we really did care deeply for each other. I just didn't see for a very long time how much hurt I had caused. I am hoping to let these things finally go.

I think in another life I could have married Caleb and I could have been happy. If I wouldn't have gone on this one last blind date that I was set up on, it probably would have worked out. But I have changed so much. Learned so much. I just don't know.

Just a Wednesday

Except it wasn't. Life has been a little unpredictable lately. The COVID-19 virus has interrupted our lives. The schools have closed down, work has closed down, we are working from home. It is very weird to be doing everything from home and having everyone home. And it isn't like we can go out and do fun things and play with friends. We have to be distant from people so that this virus doesn't spread because the mortality rate is fairly high and we don't want anyone who has health conditions to get it. Anyway, it is all consuming. It started last week and since then things have spiraled. Only drive through windows are open, there is no toilet paper, people (including me and my friend Valerie) wait in line for an hour to get into Costco. Shelves are empty. There is a feeling of unease and anxiety and possibly fear in the air. And yet, our lives are still going on. In order to combat the cabin fever, me and my friend Valerie have been hanging out and letting our kids get together. It is just too hard to stay away from everyone. We went to the park yesterday and the kids had a blast climbing through the dirt and looking for the Leprechaun (yesterday was St. Patricks Day). It was a nice break from the uncertainty that has been plaguing all of us. A couple of weeks ago, we thought nothing of this virus and bought tickets to go to Maui to see Kevin at the end of April. I hope that can happen still, because rumor has it that school will be closed until at least April 20th. I am trying to get the kids all set up to do some home schooling stuff, but it is tough.
This morning, I was asleep in my bed and I felt thunder radiating through our house, it was shaking and it wasn't stopping. In my stupor I woke and realized we were experiencing an earthquake. I shook Brad awake and we ran to the kitchen, as I was about to run down the stairs to get Reese and Jovi, they ran up and by the time they got here it was over. Ace slept through it. It was a 5.9 earthquake and the strangest sensation. I have known living in Utah my whole life that it was a possibility, but I had never experienced it. There wasn't any damage to us or anyone we know. Thank heavens. But the whole week has just felt surreal. I hope it is all just incidental and nothing more comes of all of this. I just wanted to put down my thoughts as they happened. It is so odd that while we are in the midst of these crises, our daily rituals carry on. We do the dishes, eat food, watch TV. We have our creature comforts amid all of the chaos that is creeping in. There were a few aftershocks that were a little nerve-wracking, through all of it, we are fine.
I also have this weird lump on my foot. It came out of nowhere and tomorrow I have to go and get an MRI on it. I am sure it is nothing, but it is just one more thing that is causing a little bit of anxiety.

I just need to vent about life. For the most part it is good. It has just been a rough day and a rough week and I am done. It was Memorial Day weekend. So the whole family went to Kanarra. It's the first time since my dad died. I think that made it hard for my mom. She said she felt like she didn't have a place, and I can totally see why. But being the genius that she is, Debbie brought a huge bottle of rum, and my mom got totally smashed on it. Like black out drunk. She peed all over the bedding and the floor and it is just so... so... disheartening. She has been seemingly doing so well, but apparently she has us all fooled.

I have always liked working at Chuck. But lately it has sucked. I get shitty shifts, none of which are with my friends. I have started taking anxiety meds just to get through my shift. It's awful. I am looking for a new job, but I feel so out of place. I don't know what I really qualify for and I am afraid that I will look like an idiot when it comes down to it.

I just feel a little discouraged today. I wish my dad was here.

My dad died. I swear I never thought the day would come, and I feared it would come every day all at once. And now it has happened. It is terrible to have your dad die. Especially when your dad was as special and good as mine. He always loved me so much and I loved him so much. I never had any doubt that he would do anything and everything for me. The last couple of years have been heartbreaking. My dad started to lose his memory. Some days he would remember everyone and everything, other days he would say things and not remember two minutes later. He repeated himself a lot. There was a lot of tension between my mom and him in the early days of him getting dementia. He would say things about the past that I truly hope were not true, and my mom would believe him, not realizing that his mind had deteriorated. Things got worse and worse. Then he fell and broke his hip. I did not realize that he would never walk again. I thought he would be able to recover. He never did. Then he went into a nursing home. The one I remembered going to as a little girl and being horrified. It had improved, but I didn't want my dad there, so when my mom thought it was a good idea to bring him home, I agreed. That was a mistake. He atrophied. His muscles got weaker and weaker. He got a catheter. My mom spun out of control. Both of them were broken, him physically, she mentally. My mom tried to commit suicide. Several times. We got my dad into the hospital and back into a nursing facility. This time it felt like a dream come true, because I knew he was being taken care of. He got better. His mind was a little better, his body was improving, he was joking and smiling and teasing the CNAs. He didn't always know who I was. He knew he loved me, but didn't always know my name. My mom continued to spiral even more out of control. She was drinking, abusing pills, lying, depressed, overwhelmed. It was like living in a nightmare that wouldn't end. My entire life was being stretched thin. Besides the bulk of the issues with my parents I was struggling in school, in my faith, in my marriage.... I had never felt more alone. Many things have recovered. But my parents continued to decline. My dad was a sweet spot in my heart. Because he didn't remember anything short term, he didn't remember all the trouble that had been going on for the last year. I could go visit him often and his face would light up to see me. He still made me feel special. He kissed me on the lips and told me he loved me. He forgot our inside jokes. He no longer remembered my childhood nickname or that when I said I loved him the most, he was supposed to say that he loved me the mostest, and then I would say back, no I love you the mostest, mostest, mostest. He loved my kids, although sometimes he thought Jovi was me as a little girl, and in the same breath he knew me. He never really forgot reese. I think sometimes he forgot his name, but that bond that they developed as my dad babysat him did not fail him. Little Ace tolerated our visits, and my dad would ask where the baby was, only remembering him as an infant. I went shopping the day my dad died. I bought him a shirt that morning. I did not have any inkling that he was going to pass away. There had been so many close calls, that when I heard he was sick, I just assumed he would get better like he always had. I didn't rush to get to his bedside. When I got there, his lips were blue and he was shaking in pain. I still assumed the best. We called in hospice for morphine, and after that he was able to sleep. He died a few hours later. I wish I would have realized that it was really the end. I know that I told him all the things I needed to, but I wish I would have been there sooner. He passed away soon after my kids has given him kisses and said goodbye. There were lots of tears. I hope he is with his family. I hope he knows how much I love and adore him. I hope he visits me in my dreams. I hope he remembers me like he used to. Because I will never, ever forget him.

miracle

Often I discount things that happen that seem miraculous. On Monday night we paid our tithing for the first time since last May. It wasn't that we had decided to stop paying, it just sort of happened. So we paid it. We have been really struggling with the thought of money and how we are going to pay our bills. January is the month that I have a review for food stamps and it seems like the last two or three times they keep taking money away. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond grateful for every cent we get to feed our family, but it was getting a little discouraging. So after I completed our review, once again our amount went down by $100. I was accepting but also like, oh my gosh. What am I going to do? How can we survive on this? On Tuesday afternoon I went and applied for a new job. When I got home I got a phone call. I recognized the number a little so I answered. It was my case worker Irene. She told me that she wanted to go shopping with me. I was a little confused, because if she had any idea what my account looked like she was talking to the wrong person. She went on to tell me that last January I got marked as a single student, instead of a student with a family. So they hadn't paid us the right amount of food stamps for the last year and that they were going to credit our account three thousand dollars. I immediately started to cry in gratitude. I couldn't believe it. Our case had by random chance popped up in their audit system. And Irene found the mistake. I have talked to several people over the last year and no one had caught their tiny mistake. Slowly our food storage had begun to dwindle and I was truly scared for how we were going to make it. I know that the random review that popped up was not random. I know it was a blessing from my heavenly father. I know that he hears my prayers and will take care of me. I am so grateful for him and for all he has given to me. I know that people think that everyone that is on food stamps is a ghetto trash person who doesn't work or have any ethics. I am here to tell you that it is not true. Hard working families need help. I want to stigma to stop. Having a country that takes care of it's poor is not a negative thing. It is a Christlike thing. I will be happy to pay taxes the rest of my life to pay back for what has been given to me and I know that my money will be going to others who truly need it.

Sometimes life is hard. It's January. I used to love January because of my birthday, but now, it just feels like another day. The older I get the less I like my birthday. It just doesn't feel special like it did when I was young. Anyway, I don't need to complain about that. My kids asked me yesterday if it would be summer soon, and NOOO, it isn't forever. Luckily it is getting out of the teens and into the 30's so going outside is slightly more bearable. Why does money have to be such a major factor in life. I seriously hate it. It seems like there is never enough and I feel like we are going to be in debt forever. I know that isn't totally true, but man. It sure feels like it sometimes. I went and saw a movie on Saturday with some of my girlfriends. It was called Brooklyn, and I loved it. We read the book in book club, but for once in my life I like the movie better. It felt good to get out. I want to do some fun and cheap things in the winter. I think we will go sledding, but even going on walks sounds nice. I am tired of being cooped up. It seems like the older I get the more grey the world gets. Life is so mutlifaceted that sometimes I don't know what is right or wrong anymore. There are so many controversies bumping around on the internet and it is hard for me to decide what to care about, what to ignore and if any of it is even worth it. blah. sorry. this is just a little vent i guess, with no real purpose. I want the sun. Maybe I can talk brad into moving to california or texas for a few months... and then come right back!
My kids are so precious to me. Reese is at a great age. He is 7 and totally obsessed with all things video games. Shooters, minecraft, tablets. Anyway, for Christmas he begged for a kindle fire and I kept telling him that santa doesn't bring video games or electronics. So he wasn't planning on getting one at all. Well, we found a great deal and got one for him. When we were finished opening up all of the presents on Christmas morning, he ran to his room and came back with all of his one dollar bills in his hands. He handed half of them to brad and half to me and told us so preciously that he wanted to give us his money because we spent so much on him. It made my heart leap, I even said to brad, "It's happening!" (he is appreciating our efforts. We of course refused his gift that he had been saving for months. We told him to save it for something else besides a kindle. It was such a savory moment. Last year was a complete 180, he was overwhelmed and ungrateful. It filled me with joy.
Jovi is obsessed with singing. She sings all day about everything. She makes up songs for me and everyone around her, but if i try to record it, her bashful side perks up and she stops. She loves everyone and loves to imagine that she is a teenager. It is hilarious. She walks around with an old cell phone and her pretend conversations are unbeatable.
Ace is a crazy monster! He loves jumping off of the couch, the stool or anything to get a rush. He pushes the furniture around to try and get candy off of the counter so we had to move it to the towel closet! He has been having a hard time sleeping and gets so sad when we leave him in his room his heart breaks. I sit in there most nights until he falls asleep. I love that I tell him things and he replies "k" to everything. He says "Please" and "thank you" and if we ask him, he will say " love you!".
Those three stinkers make my world go round and I am so glad that they are mine.

addiction

Addiction holds a tender place in my heart. I am surrounded by so many in my life that struggle with different types of addiction. It hurts my heart to see them go through so much. Some of them relapse. Some of them don't. I just spent the last couple of days watching these videos and i just wanted to share.

gotta make this quick cause the computer is about to die. shanea is marrying tim. she has no time... they are planning a wedding so fast you would think it was a shot gun. anyway, small bachelorette/shower for her last night at twigs. i was all alone afterwards! like, no kids.... so i went to her house, even though she wasn't going there and was sorely disappointed that not a soul was home. pulling out of the street and logan and marissa pull up! i literally shrieked in my car with joy. jumped out and went in. chatted for a long time and hal pal came in too! yay!!! time and shanea came home and we talked wedding nights and i confessed about how disappointing and tragic mine was.... anyway. i love logan and marissa so much. they bring sunshine to my soul. i am so glad that i have such an awesome family and that they like spending time with me too. came home with a mosquito bite on my face... only not awesome part.

ace

my darling baby is 16 months old. he is a joy to be around. as a newborn he slept in my bed all the time, but he wasn't a cuddly baby. he was stiff. in the last few months he has turned into the biggest cuddle bug of all my kids. he loves to snuggle. he also has a favorite blankie. it has wooly fur on one side and a grey and white geometric pattern on the other. i think it was really the only gift i picked out special for him for christmas. he loves this blanket. he prefers it above all the others. if it is out of sight he will tolerate another. anyway, tonight we were out past his bedtime. the blanket has been dragged everywhere and it has been a busy couple of days. within the first few minutes of it being out of the dryer there was a huge smear of chocolate on it. it has been dragged all over the dirty floor of the community center, the mall, parking lots, stroller wheels, peoples houses that have animals. i mean everywhere. so tonight as i brought mr. sleepy in from the car i threw the blanket in the hallway in a pile of soon to be cleaned laundry. i changed ace, put on jammies, gave him medicine (teething pain), and went to rock him to sleep, as i sat down i grabbed a new blankie and said something about getting a nice clean blanket for him. he got down from my lap and walked into the hallway, it was dark. ace's bedroom is in the basement so at night when all the lights are off there isn't a trace of brightness. he hesitated at the threshold and then barreled down the hallway and came toddling back in with the beloved blanket. i let him fall asleep with it and sneaked in just now to throw it in the wash. i love him. i just love him.

i am sitting her writing in the dark. it has been a great summer. we have done so many fun and amazing things and i am so happy about it. with that said can i also admit that i am ready for school to start? i am ready to be back into a schedule and ready for my kids to go and learn! yes, kids! jovi is probably going to preschool this year. which sort of makes my heart ache, and leap for joy at the same time. my little family is good. shanea is getting married to tim. kate and drew are finally engaged. ace is walking everywhere. my mom keeps getting pnemoniana and she keeps taking pills, but it seems like that is never going to change. i have accepted that it isn't going to change. kevin is here visiting from hawaii. unfortunately the reason he came back is that becky has cancer. i signed brad and i up for a co-ed softball team for the fall, which is totally out of my comfort zone. but i am trying to be more daring. i think it is good for me. it makes me less scared of doing things that are unfamiliar. anyway. i just wanted to do a little update. we went to downata hot springs the other weekend with logan and hallie and marissa, sally and her kids came up for a night too. it was so much fun. i want to do it every single year.

dudes. life is good. everyone is happy. fights are over. kids are getting along. we love long bike rides at night and riding wiggle cars down the street with kids in laps and dogs chasing us... then trudging back up the hill with arms full and laughter abundant. summer is magic. especially now that some kids are old enough to stay up late enough to enjoy some of the coolness and not all of the dead heat of 5 o'clock. subsequently, the littlest one stays up late too. we are sleeping in, getting really dirty, skipping baths and enjoying moments. we still watch tv. we still play video games. we still have to clean this house once in a while. but really, i have let go of having a perfectly clean house and embraced the realness of something that is full-on lived in. currently there are little blue hand prints on the toilet seat from some coloring that transferred from marker, to balloon, to hands to potty. i haven't even bothered. life is being lived and love is here.

i have been without a cell phone for about 24 hours. and i have felt so very happy. it is so wonderful to not be distracted by the instant technology. i am getting a new phone on monday, but i am really going to try to put it down a lot more. yesterday we spent a lot of time working in the yard. it has been really rainy for the last three or four weeks and it was getting a little boring. reese literally spent the entire day outside with his friends. they hooked up the hose and played with water balloons all dang day. it was awesome. kids from up and down the street came over throughout the day. it was great. jovi spent a lot of time outside too. i love that our kids are getting old enough to play for extended periods of time and entertain themselves. they are getting so creative and so fun. i am really trying to make an effort to turn off our screens and spend more time together and spend more time with free play or doing things that we truly enjoy, not just passing the time looking at apps. i am also trying to become more minimalist. i have always been the type to get rid of stuff and sent it to the DI. but it seems that with our bigger family we somehow acquire more things. or i tuck things into places to get out of the way, but really, i should just get rid of them. i am finding that with less stuff i am happier. i literally got rid of half of my wardrobe a couple of weeks ago. it was so liberating! now all of the shirts i own i kind of love. i am not quite there with the bottoms, but i am working on it. anyway, this is kind of a ramble of a bunch of thoughts. but still.

So lately I have been doing things that haven't been making me feel happy. I have been spending a lot of time on my phone and a lot of time watching TV. Getting annoyed at my kids when they interrupted this "me" time. The thing about it is that I wasn't really enjoying myself. So today we watched TV together for about an hour. This morning. And it was turned off by 10 am. And instead we played. And I read a book. A grown up novel. And we went on a walk when the rain let up. I made my kids play with toys and when they complained of boredom I told them to figure it out. And I didn't let my phone rule my life and it. Was. So. Nice. I made a good dinner and the older two are sleeping over at grandma's  house. Just a little reminder to myself that it is so good for me to unplug. ❤❤❤

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